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A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says, “So what would you like, Sherry? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?”
She said, “I want a divorce.”
He replied in shock, “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says, “What’s the problem officer?”
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80!
[The man gives wife dirty look.]
Officer: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks!
[The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]
Officer: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man turns to his wife and yells, “For cryin’ out loud, can’t you just shut up?!”
The officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”
Wife says, “No officer, Only when he’s drunk.”
A little boy goes running to his father. “Dad, dad,” he yells, “I just saw this film where a vampire was killed with a steak.”
His father says, “That’s nothing son, your mother can do that with egg and chips.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He’s laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
His wife wakes up and asks, “What the hell was that?”
He replies, “Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing.”
She thinks to herself, “I’m gonna fix him.”
Then she lets one loose. He yells at her, “What was that?”
She replies “Touchdown, tie score.”
Now he thinks, “I’m gonna fix her.” He’s laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.
The wife asks, “Now what the hell was that?”
He replied, “Half time, switch sides.”
A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, “I’ve lost my
dad!”
The cop said, “What’s he like?”
The little boy replied, “Beer and women!”
The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner. The old man was rather irritated when he discovered none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.
“You’re all grown men,” he said, “and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married.”
“What?” gasped one of the sons. “Do you mean to say we’re all bastards?”
“Yes,” snapped the old man, “and cheap ones, too!”
what do you call a fat man geting a hot girl
the day that pigs fly
Mom: No, No, Kayanne! Don’t poke your fingers in the meat!
Kayanne: But it’s fun mommy!
Dad: She’s 5, she reads well, and knows 100 times 100, but doesn’t know better than to poke holes in meat that is at the store.
Mom: Where did you get this idea, Kay?
Kayanne: A comic strip! Why, mommy?
Mom & Dad: Kids!
The wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same, sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, “Honey, do you remember this?”
He looks up at her and replies, “Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.”
“That’s right.” she replied. “And do you remember what you said to me that night?”
He nods and says, “Yes dear, I still remember.”
“Well, what was it?”
“Well honey, as I remember, I said, “Ohhhhhhh, Baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!”
She giggles, “Yes, that was it. That was exactly what you said. Now it’s 50 years later and I’m in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?”
He looks her up and down and says, “Mission accomplished.”
A man was bragging to his friends about how his sister disguised herself as a
man and was able to join the army. “But, wait a minute,” said one listener,
“She’ll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won’t she?”
“Sure,” replied the man. “Well, won’t they find out?” The man shrugged, “But
who’ll tell?”
A doctor called up a fellow and said, “Mr. Michaels I have some distressing news. As you know, your wife was in for some blood tests recently.”
The guy says, “Yes, that’s right. Is there anything wrong?”
“Well,” the doctor replies, “here’s the thing. There’s another women who came in for blood tests also and she has the exact same name as your wife.
Now, the problem is, I got the results of their tests and one of them has aids and the other has Alzheimer�s.”
“Oh, my God,” the man said, “what will I do, doc?”
“Well, I’ve been giving this some thought,” said the doctor, “and here’s what you do. Take her for a ride out in the country. When you get way out there, throw her out of the car and take off fast.
“Then what?” says the distraught man.
“Well…if she finds her way home, whatever you do, DON’T FUCK HER!”
The judge said to Mickey “I can not grant you a divorice from Minney, there is no evidence that she is crazy” and Mickey said “I didnt say she was crazy, i said she was fuckin’ Goofy!