Category: relationships

The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, “I’ve found a woman just like mother!” His father replied, “So what do you want from me, sympathy?”

The high divorce rates in America indicate that the U.S. is still the Land of the Free, but your marriage demonstrates that we also remain the Home of the Brave!

The man says: With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow. (Book of Common Prayer)

The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

If you are the best man at a wedding there is always my favorite toast:

The screwing you’ll get is going to be worth the screwing you’ll get.

I didn’t have the guts to use it at the wedding but it got a lot of laughs at the bachelor party.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.

The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don’t mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.

The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal, a little bit of breast, a little bit of leg…and a lot of stuffing!!!

The woman cries before wedding; the man afterward.

Their marriage is a wonderful partnership. He’s the silent one.

There is something magical about the fact that success almost always comes faster to the guy your wife almost married.

They were married on the cricket field, that night they were quite wicket, the bride said with a happy smile, I’m sure this can’t be cricket.

Think how much fun you could have with the doctor’s wife and a bucket of apples.

This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.

To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother. I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.

To the bride: To be happy in your marriage, you should approach each day as if it were the first day of your honeymoon and the last day of your period.

Treat him like a flower…grab him by the stalk.

Treat the bride like a new car, go easy for the first
500.

Two passing ships making matrimonial knots while fouled in each others stern line, recommended inter between course 69 Stop. Happy voyage, bottoms up.

We are curious to know why you both wanted to borrow the black leather boots and bullwhip?

Weeping bride, laughing wife; laughing bride, weeping wife.

When the best man is reading the telegrams: From your friends on the H.M.C.S. Harmen, “At ten o clock, please report position and depth.”

When god made man he made em out of string, He had a little left over so he left a little thing, When god made women he made em out of lace, He didn’t have enough so he left a little space, Here’s to space!

Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.

Your TV viewing on your wedding night will be… Firstly, The Marriage Game, Followed by, Great Temptation, The Untouchables, Mission Impossible, The Time is Right, Rawhide and Bonanza.

The rising sun may kiss the grass, The clock may kiss the hours that pass The flowing wine may kiss the glass, And you my friends… Drink Hearty!

When a woman gets to the “better or worse” part of the wedding ceremony, she’s already experienced the better part.

Propose this toast: John, you are a lucky groom; you’ve got Mary. She’s beautiful, smart, funny, warm, and loving. Mary, you’ve got….John.

To Space When God made Man, He made him out of string. He had a little left over, So, he made a little thing.

When God made Woman, He made her out of lace. He didn’t have enough, So, he left a little space. To Space.

Sayings To Write With Shaving Cream On The Newlywed Car To Bed or Bust She got him today – He’ll get her tonight Just living together

What do most women miss most about being single?

Having sex!

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw his wife flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help. A trout fisherman ran up.The man said, “My wife is drowning and I can’t swim. Please save her. I”ll give you a hundred dollars.”The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, “Okay, where’s my hundred?”The man said, “Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.”The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, “Just my luck. How much do I owe you?

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied…

“Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?”

1 Man: “Haven’t we met before?” Woman: “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.”

2 Man: “So, wanna go back to my place?” Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

3 Man: “I’d really like to get into your pants.” Woman: “No thanks. There’s already one asshole in there.”

4 The rebuttal to a turn-down: Man: “Want to Dance?” Woman: “No thanks.” Man: “Don’t thank me, thank God because somebody asked you.”

5 Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?” Woman: “It’s in the phone book.” Man: “But I don’t know your name.” Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”

6 Man: “So what do you do for a living?” Woman: “Female impersonator.”

7 Man: “You know, I’d really love to travel to exotic places with you.” Woman: (tries to ignore him) Man: “You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?” Woman: “Hmmm…you really love sex and travel?” Man: (nods his head smiling) Woman: “Then go take a fuckin’ hike!!!”

8 I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to pick up this girl, and she said to him, “Can you pound a railroad spike through a 2×4 with your hard-on?” To which he merely shudders a negative. She says, “Well, a girl’s gotta have her standards.”

9 Man: “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?” (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?) Woman: “Je voudrais bien, mais je n’ai rien a porter.” (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear

10 Q: What sign were you born under?
A: No Parking.

11 A guy comes up to a girl and tells her some pick-up line. She grabs his crotch, looks down at it, looks back at him, and says, “Sorry, I don’t see any potential here” and nonchalantly walks off.

12 And here’s one including the correct snappy return Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?” Woman: “Unfertilized, fuck off!”

13 After hearing a pick-up line: Woman: “I like your approach, now let’s see your departure.”

14 A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60’s approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, “Where have you been all my life?” She took one glance at him and said, “For the first half of it, I probably wasn’t born yet.”

15 A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, “What are you looking at?” My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, “He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken.”

16 While at college, a few friends were discussing how their “passes” had been rejected by the intended female recipient. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once… When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason!” She responded, “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!” He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.

17 The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge lizard made his move. “I’m here,” he breathed huskily, “to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.” The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue. She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates. She paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line, “You’ve got a large donkey or Doberman?”

18 “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.”

19 Man: “Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time.” Woman: “You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can’t cash.”

It is 2 o’clock in the morning, a husband and wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings.

The husband picks it up and promptly slams it down after saying. “How the heck do I know, what am I, the weather man?”

His wife rolls over and asks, “who was that?”

The husband replies, “I don’t know, some bloke who wanted to know if the coast was clear!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.

Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

My opinions are my wife’s, and she says I’m lucky to have them.

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.

One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills.

He asks his wife “What’s up with all the notes?”, to his wife which replies, “Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are.”

* Well how ’bout that? I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for
directions.
* You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for
non-chaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?
* I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude. I like
that in a young person!
* Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!!
* What do you mean you want to play football? Figure skating not good enough
for you, son?
* Your mother and I are going away for while. You might want to consider
throwing a party.
* Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those
doo-hickie thingies – you know – that makes it run or something. Just have it
towed to the mechanic’s and pay whatever they ask.
* No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit
your belly aching and lets get to the mall.
* Whaddaya want to go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to
spend.
* Father’s Day? Ah – don’t worry about that – it’s no big deal.

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, “My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble.”

The second deaf man signed back, “Boy you’re lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late.”

The first deaf man asked, “So, what did you do?”

The second man replied, “I turned out the light.”

The wife comes home from a night at bingo with a new fur coat. She says “Honey, look what I won at bingo”.

Next week she comes home from bingo with a large diamond ring. She says,”Honey look what I won at bingo”.

Next week she come home from bingo driving a new porsche, she says “Honey, look what I won at bingo”.

The next week as she is preparing to get ready for bingo, the husband asks – “Honey shall I draw you a bath?” To which she replies “Why sure”.

As the wife enters the tub she notices there is less than a inch of water in the tub.

She asks “how am I supposed to take a bath in this amount of water?”

To which the husband replies…
“I wouldn’t want you to get your bingo card wet”!