Yours Fun Portal !
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.
He stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the fella puts on his cap, picks up rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other fella says, “That was touching. I didn’t know you had it in you.”
The first fella responds, “Well, I guess it was the thing to do, after all I was married to her for 40 years.”
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
“No thank you.” she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.
“That must be rather difficult.” the man replied.
“Oh, I don’t mind too much.” she said.
“But, it has my husband pretty upset.”
why did the school teacher go out with the cleaner?
because she swept him off his feet!!
Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, “I want you to help me get a divorce.The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.””What do you mean?” asked the attorney. “Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?””No,” replied the woman, “and neither does the little queer.”
FIRST THE ADS FROM WOMEN
40-ish……………… 48
Adventurer………….. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic……………. Flat-chested
Average looking……… Ugly
Beautiful…………… Pathological liar
Contagious Smile…….. Bring your penicillin
Educated……………. College dropout
Emotionally Secure…… Medicated
Feminist……………. Fat; ball buster
Free spirit…………. Substance user
Friendship first…….. Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun………………… Annoying
Gentle……………… Comatose
Good Listener……….. Borderline Autistic
New-Age…………….. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned……….. Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded…………. Desperate
Outgoing……………. Loud
Passionate………….. Loud
Poet……………….. Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional………… Real Witch
Redhead…………….. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque…………. Grossly Fat
Romantic……………. Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous………….. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height………………Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate………. One step away from stalking
Widow………………. Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart………. Toothless crone
——————————————————————-
THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
40-ish……………… 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic……………. Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking……… Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated……………. Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit…………. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first…….. As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun………………… Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking………… Arrogant
Honest……………… Pathological Liar
Huggable……………. Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle………. Insecure, overly dependent
Mature……………… Until you get to know him
Open-minded…………. Wants to sleep with your sister but she’s not interested
Physically fit………. I spend a lot of time in front ofmirror admiring myself
Poet……………….. Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual…………… Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable……………… Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful………….. Says “Please” when demanding a beer
Well there you have it, truth in advertising!
It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo.
She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand.
He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.
She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. “Now try lifting your dress up your thighs”
… this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, “Now, tell HIM you have a headache.”
When his wife’s snoring woke him for the third straight night, Harry went to the bathroom medicine cabinet, got some aspirin and popped two tablets into her gaping mouth. ‘Awk, glub!’ choked his startled wife. ‘What the…’ ‘It’s okay, honey. I gave you some aspirin,’ he explained. ‘Why? I don’t have a headache!’ ‘Great!’ said Harry, triumphantly. ‘Let’s fuck!’
Two men were talking one day.
“My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market garden.” said the first man.
“So were you able to find some?” the second man, asked.
“Well when I got to the market, I asked the gardener, ‘These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”
“The gardener said ‘No, you’ll have to do that yourself.”
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same but the dishes are stacking up in the sink!
Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife’s side. ”Sleep now, its all right,” he told her. But she kept trying to sit up and said, ”Honey, I really need to tell you something.” Finally Jake let her get it off her chest.
”Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father.”
”Don’t worry about it,” Jake said, ”I allready know. Why do you think I poisoned you?”
A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend’s yard sale, and said to her, “My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale.”
“I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,” her friend replied.
“Normally, yes,” she said. “But he just broke his leg, and he’s waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Suzie went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions, but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.
Finally he asked, ?Do you ever watch your husband?s face while you?re having sex??
?Well, yes, I did once.?
?Well, how did he look??
?Very angry.?
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, ?Well Suzie, that?s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband?s face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time??
?He was looking through the window at us.?