Category: relationships

One day a space shuttle crashed to the ground in the yard of a Kindergarten.
When he finally struggled out of the wreckage, the astronaut shouted, “I’m free!
I’m free!!!” At this point, one of the little children standing there shouted
back, “Big deal, I’m four!”

There was this old guy wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals –
“Crisco? Crisco? CRIS–CO!!!!”

Finally a store clerk approached.
“Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five.”
“Oh,” replied the old guy, “I’m not looking for Crisco, I’m calling my wife.”

“Your wife is named “Crisco?”
“Nah,” he answered, “I only call her that when we come to the supermarket.”

“Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?”
“Lard Ass!”

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

“What for?!?!?” he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: “Twenty dollars contempt of court! That’s why!”

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: “That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”

The young man replied, “I know. But I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words.”

An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg.
As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several
months later, the doctor took off the cast. “Can I climb stairs now?” asked the
little old lady. “Yes,” he replied. “Thank goodness!” she said. “I’m sick and
tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!”

Tom and Jeni are having one of their occasional disputes of opinion. Tom took off his pants and threw them at Jeni, yelling, “Hey, woman, can you fill these pants up?”

“Of course not, you jerk. You know I can’t.”
“You’re right. You can’t. I wear the pants in this family.”

So Jeni took off her panties and threw them at Tom, yelling, “Hey, jerk, can you get into these panties?”

“Hell no! They’re too small and dainty!”
“And you won’t either, until you change your treatment of me!”

Dave Barry on your husband’s midlife crisis:

If your husband is exhibiting signs of a midlife crisis, at first you should try to humor him. If he wants to buy a ludicrously impractical sports car, tell him you think it’s a terrific idea.

If he wants to wear “younger” clothes, help him pick them out.

If he wants to start seeing other women, shoot him in the head.

WHY DIDTHELADY PUT CAT FOOD DOWN HER PANTS TO FEED HER PUSSY

An old man who is hard of hearing goes to the doctor with his wife.

After a physical, the doctor says “you seem to be healthy, Earl, but for a long life, I suggest you have 3 good meals a day, and sex with your wife every day.”

The old man replied, “What did the doctor say, Ethel?”

Ethel replied, “your gonna DIE, old man!”

Taking a phone call in her bedroom, a woman replies, “That’s OK honey. No problem. I hope you have a good time. See you later”. Then she puts down the receiver. “Who was that?”, asks the man lying besides her in bed. “My husband”, she replies. “What did he want?” “Nothing, he said he would be home late tonight. He’s somewhere shooting pool with you and some other colleagues”.

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.

The mother asks the daughter: “What are you doing naked?”

The daughter responds: “This is the dress of love.”

When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband.

When her husband arrives, he asks her: “What are you doing naked, woman?”

She responds: “This is the dress of love.”

And he says to her: “Well, go iron it first.”

There are no smart husbands.
Why?
Smart people don’t get married.

I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-ages couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. — Tynan