Category: relationships

Arriving home one evening, Joshua, a chef, finds a note from his
wife at the living room, which reads:

Hi Dear,

I’ve gone out with a friend; I got no time to cook for you. Cook
for yourself, in any case, you are a chef, aren’t you?

Hope to see you later for a sexy evening.

Lilly

Though the chef was very pissed off, he goes ahead and cooks for
himself. Later that night, his wife arrives home and heads
straight into the bedroom, where she finds a note on the bed
from the chef, which reads:

Hi Sweetheart,

I’ve also gone out, I got no time to fuck you tonight, but I
left an eighteen-inch vibrator under the pillow, big enough for
you. Please find time to fuck yourself, in any case you’re a
slut aren’t you?

I’ll be fucking a tighter pussy. Hope to see you later for
breakfast.

Josh.

A man is sitting at his kitchen table reading a newspaper.
His wife walks in with a frying pan and hits him with it.
The man asked “what was that for?”
The Woman replies “I was washing your pants last night and I found a piece of paper that says Mar Lou.
The man replies: When I was at the Horse races last week that was the name of my horse.
The woman understood and appologized.
(Three Days Later)
The woman walks in and hits him with an even bigger frying pan that knocks him out cold.
When he comes to he askes “what was that for?”
His wife replies: Your Horse Called.

Add some peanutsIf you can get access to their luggage after they have packed, add styrofoam peanuts in whatever nooks and crannies are left.

Income tax examiner: What’s your husband’s average income?

Wife: Oh, about midnight.

I took a very classy and absolutely gorgeous lady on our first date the
other evening. We had dinner at a very nice restaurant and went to a stage
show afterwards. We were getting along fabulously and as the time came to
part I drove her to her house and walked her to her front door.

Being a gentleman I thanked her for her company, saying she was so
beautiful she reminded me of a wild rambling rose. She thanked me for the
compliment and we parted, but not before we arranged to see each other the
following evening.

I arrived at her house the next evening as arranged, walked to and knocked
on her front door. She came to the door, opened it and punched me right in
the mouth.

Somewhat surprised as one would expect, I asked her what had caused her to
do that?

She replied, “After you dropped me home last night I was very flattered by
the compliment you gave me and looked up wild rambling rose in my
encyclopedia. It said that they did not perform well in bed but when tied
to a fence or wall, rooted very well.”

A man comes home at the evening after the work. His wife meets him, kisses
him. The man is surprised with a such sudden change. He sits at a table in
kitchen, but the wife informs him:
“Honey, our ratio�s transfer to the market ratios. Supper costs $5.”
The husband has estimated and decided it isn’t too expensive. He has agreed.
The wife lays the table. The husband pays off. After the supper he gives a shirt
to her and says:
“Wash it, please.”
“It costs $3” the wife answers.
The husband pays $3 to her. The wife washes. The time for going to bed. The
man touches his wife, but she says:
“It costs $10.”
“But I have only $7 left” the husband responds, turns back and asleep.
The man wakes up at the night because of the noise. He sees a light in all
rooms. His wife looking for something in a handbag. He asks her:
“What are you looking for?”
“I am looking for $3 to lend you.”

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.” Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, “What are the green fees?” Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.” Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the world laid out. “How much to eat?” asked the old man. “Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, “That’s the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.” With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: “Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns.

His wife asks: “Did you have a good trip, dear?”
He says: ” Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”

His wife smiles and says, “Oh no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box!”

An elderly couple was sitting together watching television.

During one of the commercials, the husband asked his wife, “Whatever happened to our sexual relations?”

After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial, “You know, I don’t know. I don’t even think we got a Christmas card from them last year.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetary. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.
She was quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing, “Well, you haven’t used the gift I gave you last year.”

A newly married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.

“Do you have reservations?” inquires the receptionist.

“Only one,” replies the groom. “She won’t take it up the ass.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis