Two Irishmen in bed together, and Paddy says to Patrick.
“I don’t reckon much to this wifeswapping!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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Two Irishmen in bed together, and Paddy says to Patrick.
“I don’t reckon much to this wifeswapping!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most… “When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said. . .
“Nah… let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!”
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He’d scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu: appetizers, lobster, champagne . . . the works. Finally he asked her, “Does your Mother feed you like this at home?”
“No,” she said, “but my Mother’s not looking to get laid, either.”
A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget.
Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, “You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!”
Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, “Take it easy Dear, can’t you see I’m trying to taper off?”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Larry’s mother-in-law had died, and Larry was at the mortuary to make plans
for her disposition. The official asked, “Which should we do…cremate her,
embalm her, or merely bury her?”
Larry answered, “All three. Let’s not take any chances!”
A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.
She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, “My husband’s home! My husband’s home!”
A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?”Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, “Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath? I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?”The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve a confession to make.”And she says, “So have I, love.”To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”
Mrs. Riley, you say you divorced your husband 6 years ago, but you have a newborn infant and children 1, 2, 3, and 4 years old. How come?
Well, every year, he comes back to apologize.
The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother.
“Mom,” she said, “I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy.”
The mother took a deep breath and began, “When two people love, honour, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing…”
“I know how to fuck, mother,” the bride-to-be interrupted. “I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagne.”
One day three couples in a minivan are heading to Yellowstone National Park on a vacation. One couple is from Nebraska, one is from Kansas, and one is from Iowa. They stop at a little cafe on the side of the road for breakfast.
Their waitress serves them their food, and the husband from Nebraska says, “could you pass the honey honey?” to whom his wife, hands over the honey.
Then, the husband from Kansas says ” Could you pass the sugar sugar?” and she passes him the sugar.
The Iowan husband sits there for a minute, then looks at his wife and says “Wanna pass me the bacon, pig?”
A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she requested that he shave his beard. “Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”
James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it, she would kill me!!”
“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice…
“Oh really, I can’t,” he replies…”My wife loves this beard!!”
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here, my husband will be home soon!”
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.