Category: relationships

One day a boy walked in on his parents having sex. His mom was
laying on top of his dad. He didn’t understand what was
happening so he figured he’d ask his mom later.

Later the boy asked his mom,”Mommy what were you to daddy
before?” His mom stuttered and said,”You know how daddy is
getting kind of fat? Well when I lay on him, it slims him down.”
“Well mommy, that won’t work. Because right after you leave for
work, the lady next door comes and blows him right back up.”

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

“What’s the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?” she asked.

“Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and we were so young?” he asked.

“Yes, I do,” she replied.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?”

“Yes, I remember.”

“Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter or spend the next twenty years in jail?”

“Yes, I do,” she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, ” You know…I would have gotten out today.”

This couple out on a date get a flat tire while driving along on a snowy night. They guy gets out to change the tire, but he doesn’t have any gloves so before long he gets back in the car with the job half-done, his hands blue from the cold.

“Put your hands between my legs to warm them up,” offers his gal. So he does, then gets out to finish the job.

It’s so cold, however, that he has to come back one more time to warm his hands, again between her legs.

Finally, he finishes the job and gets back into the car, and is about to put the keys into the ignition when she asks, “Aren’t your ears cold too?”

There once was a man who had three girlfriends, and he couldn�t decide which one to marry.

He decided to give five thousand dollars to each woman to see what she would do with it.

The first woman bought new clothes for herself. She got an expensive new hairdo, a massage, a facial, a manicure, and a pedicure.

She said, I spent the money so that I would look pretty for you because I love you so much.

The second woman bought a VCR, a CD player, a set of golf clubs, and a tennis racket and gave them to the man.

I used the money to buy you these gifts because I love you, she told him.

The third woman invested the money in the stock market and within a short time had doubled her investment.

She returned the initial five thousand dollars to the man and reinvested the profit.

Im investing in our future because I love you so much, she said.

The man carefully considered how each woman had spent the money, and married the woman with the biggest tits.

An American couple has five children. Their names are Rudy, Larry, Johnny,
Adam, and … Ding Kong Wong. They called their fifth child Ding Kong Wong
because the survey said every 5 babies burned to this world, one of them is
Chinese.

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.

The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.

“Yes,” she replied readily.

“Tell him Mother didn’t come after all.”

Not only is she a little young, but you’re sure that you used to date
her mother.

…You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little
league with her.

…She has a thicker moustache than you.

…When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions.

…You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.

…Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.

…You are the first guy that she’s gone out with that isn’t her cousin.

…At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.

…She beats up some guy for making fun of your hair cut.

…You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.

…At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.

…She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet satan.

…She constantly complains that her cat won’t stop laughing at her.

…She informs you that you can’t go out again because her spirit guide doesn’t like you.

…She informs you that you can’t go out again because her boyfriend doesn’t like you.

What Exactly Is Marriage?”Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don’t have to give her back to her parents” -Eric, six years old”When somebody’s been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, ‘I’ll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.’ Then she says yes, but she’s wondering what the thing is and whether it’s naughty or not. She can’t wait to find out.” -Anita, nine years oldHow Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?”You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one.” -Kelly, nine years old”My mother says to look for a man who is kind….That’s what I’ll do….I’ll find somebody who’s kinda tall and handsome.” -Carolyn, eight years oldConcerning the Proper Age to Get Married”Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife” -Bert, five years oldHow Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?”They were at a dance party at a friend’s house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down…It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values.” -Lottie, nine years old”My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won’t tell me what kind.” -Jeremy, eight years oldWhat Do Most People Do on a Date?”On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” -Martin, ten years old”Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love.” -Craig, nine years oldWhen Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?”You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.” -Allan, ten years old”Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you….If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.” -Kally, nine years oldThe Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?”You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan” -Kirsten, ten years old”It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them” -Anita, nine years old”It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” -Will, seven years old

Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them.

A 60-year-old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom.
She opened the door and discovered her 40-year-old daughter playing with her
vibrator. “What are you doing?” asked the Mom.
“Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married,
so this is pretty much my husband.”
The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon
entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. “What the hell are you
doing?” he asked.
His daughter replied, “I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I
will never get married so this is as close as I’ll ever get to a husband.”
The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.
The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand
and the vibrator sitting next to him, watching the football game.
“For Christ’s sake, what are you doing?” she cried.
The husband replied, “What does it look like I’m doing? I’m having a beer and
watching the game with my new son-in-law!”

Marriage is an institution–but who wants to live in an institution?