Meeting the Family

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her
parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend
that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip
to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to
buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack
because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parent�s house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on
in!”

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten
minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with
his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had
no idea you were this religious�.

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist.”

The Top 15 Signs You’ve Lived With a Mathematician Too Long

15> His cute habit of converting every number to base seven is really starting to annoy you, because he insists on doing it 33 hours a day, 10 days a week!

14> He has his graduate students working on reconciling your irreconcilable differences.

13> The first thing you think of when you see her bend over is isosceles.

12> Ask him how much he loves you and he responds, “Okay… assuming that love can be expressed as a derivative of existence, which we’ll call ‘Z’, and desire is a convergence subset of physical beauty in the Heisenberg ‘observable universe’ model…”

11> During sex, all she does is complain about the “dynamic coefficient of friction.”

10> You only celebrate Fibonacci sequence anniversaries.

9> You wanted a really bad-ass tattoo, and were momentarily torn between a bleeding skull and a portrait of Gauss.

8> Your husband unexpectedly comes home early from work and enters your bedroom just in time to see a man run into the closet; when he opens it, two men dash for the front door, knocking him over. He looks at you and says: “You know, if I were to enter the closet now, it would be empty again.”

7> He almost has you convinced that the more negatives in your relationship, the greater the absolute value.

6> “If you shut off your spreadsheets at 1:30 AM heading towards the bedroom at 5 MPH, and I’ve gone to sleep at 12:00 AM after another session with my vibrator, what are the odds that you’re getting any?”

5> When you ask where he’s been all night, he refers you to the previous excuse which has already been accepted as a proof.

4> Every time you talk about your ex, your lover feels compelled to solve him.

3> Using only the Transitive Property, the Corresponding Angles Postulate, the Angle Addition Assumption, and the Angle Congruence Theorem, you’re pretty sure you’ve successfully argued yourself into a three-way.

2> During a romantic candlelight dinner, you accept his polynomial ring.

1> You went along with naming the kids Euclid, Archimedes, and Newton, but there’s no way in hell you’re going to yell for a dog named “Immanuel Fuchs.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

The Perfect Husband

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club
after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up,
and the following conversation ensues:
– “Hello?”
– “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
– “Yes.”
– “Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a
beautiful mink coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”
– “What’s the price?”
– “Only $1,500.00.”
– “Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much…”
– “Ash, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models.
I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really
good price… and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”

– “What price did he quote you?”
– “Only $60,000…”
– “OK, but for that price you should insist on all the options.”
– “Great! But before we hang up, something else…”
– “What?”
– “It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and… I
stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at
last year. It’s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of
park area, beachfront property…”
– “How much are they asking?” – “Only $450,000 – a magnificent price… and I
see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”
– “Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?”
– “OK, sweetie…Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”
– “Bye…I do too…”
The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap. He raises his hand, holding the
phone, and asks: “Does anyone know whom this phone belongs to?”

Unfaithful

An old Jewish couple was sitting around one evening and he says to his wife, “Sarah, we are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary, so tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

She hesitated a while and said, “Yes, 3 times.”

“Three times!? how did it happen?” he asks.

“Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were broke and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?”

“Yes, that was really a terrible time.”

“Okay, well do you remember when I went to see the banker and the next day he extended our loan?

“It is hard to believe,” he said, “but I guess it really was for us and I can forgive you.”

She continued, “And do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldn’t afford the operation?”

“Of course I remember.”

“Well, then you also remember that right after I went to see the doctor he did your operation at no cost?”

“Yes,” he said, “that shocks me too but I understand you did it because of your love for me and I forgive you.

But tell me, what was the third time?”

She responded, “Do you remember when you ran for Temple president… and needed 23 more votes?”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

A bachelor

A bachelor named Steve who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a
trip to Europe. Before he left, he told his best friend to inform him of any
emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof,
fell off, and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message:
“Your cat died!”
In a few hours, Steve was back home, having cut his trip short in grief and in
anger at his friend. He told his friend, “Why didn’t you break the news to me
gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent the message
‘Your cat climbed up on the roof today,’ and the next day you could’ve written
‘Your cat fell off the roof’ and let me down slowly that he died.”
After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip.
A few days into his trip, he returns to his hotel and there’s a message waiting
for him from his friend.
The message read, “Your mother climbed up on the roof today�.

Hoover

A married couple had a very bad argument one day, it ended up with the husband going to hospital with the hoover pipe shoved up his bum.

A couple of days later, his wife telephoned the hospital to find out how he was.

The doctor said “He’s picking up.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks

Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks

10. Her term of affection for you is “You Bastard.”

9. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.

8. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings, and puts it down with a hushed, “I can’t talk now… I’ll call you later.”

7. Your picture on her wall has darts in it.

6. She reads books like “Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete Assholes.”

5. She falls asleep during sex. The oral kind. While she’s giving it.

4. When you call her, she answers your voice with, “Oh. It’s only you.”

3. She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank.

2. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program.

And the Number One Sign Your Relationship Is On The Rocks…

1. Her cat pees on you. And receives a reward.

A Day at the Circus

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy piped up, “Mom, what’s that long thing on the elephant?”

“That’s the elephant’s trunk, dear,” she replied.

“No, not that.”

“Oh, that’s the elephant’s tail.”

“No, Mom. Down underneath.”

His mother blushed and said, “Oh, that’s nothing.”

Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question. “That’s the elephant’s trunk, son.”

“Dad, I know what an elephant’s trunk is. The thing at the other end.”

“Oh, that’s the elephant’s tail.”

“No. Down there.”

The father took a good look and explained, “That’s the elephant’s penis.”

“Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?”

The man took a deep breath and replied, “Son, I’ve spoiled that woman.”