Category: relationships

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
“You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home.”

“Why?” asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife’s routine at dinner for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, ‘Honey, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’

“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.
Now I do it in ten…”

Since their wedding day three years before, Hillary had been nagging Bill to tell her about his past.

“Come on, tell me,” she asked again. “How many women have you slept with?”

“Honey, if I told you you’d just get mad,” he replied.

“No I won’t, I promise. Please tell me,” she pleaded.

Finally he said, “Well OK. Let’s see. One, two, three, four, five, you, seven…. eight….”

Submitted by Curtis
EDited by Yisman

Q. Why do men always want their brides to wear white?
A. Because they want their dish washer to match their fridge and stove.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, “I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife?”
The guy answers, “Yes, I’ve never even looked at another women.”

St.Peter says, “See that Rolls-Royce over there? That’s your car to drive while you’re in heaven.”

The second guy gets the same question, and answers, “Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out.”

St. Peter says, “See that new Buick over there, that’s your car to use in heaven.”

The third guy answers the same question, “I have to admit, I’ve chased every girl I saw, and was with a lot of women.”

St. Peter says, “Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while you’re in heaven.

The three guys go off on their separate ways.

A few weeks later, guy #2 and guy #3 are driving along when they see guy #1’s Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar andfind guy #1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in is hands on the bar.

They come up to him and guy #2 says, “Bud, what could possibly be so bad-you’re in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!”

He says, “I saw my wife today!”

The other two answer, “That’s great! What’s the problem?”

He answers, “She was riding a skateboard!”

After years of listening to her plead, a hunter finally decided to let his wife come hunting with him. He led her into the woods and left her in a blind with instructions on what to do when a deer came within range.
He had no sooner arrived at his own blind when he heard a shot coming from his wife’s direction. The first shot was quickly followed by several more. He immediately ran back to see what had happened, only to find a man standing in front of his wife with his hands up shouting, “OK lady, it’s your deer! Just let me take the saddle off!”

Man: I’m taking my wife on an African Safari.

Friend: Wow! What would you do if a vicious lion attacked your wife?

Man: Nothing.

Friend: Nothing? You would do nothing?

Man: Right! Let the stupid lion fend for himself!

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

The ultimate in a mixed marriage would be a vegetarian marrying a cannibal.

Q – How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A – (Sigh) don�t bother, I’ll sit in the dark, I don’t want to be a nuisance
to anybody.

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:

“A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.”
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments,
“See! That was more than 5 times a month!”

The second bull is to be sold: “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”

Again the wife bugs her husband, “Hey, that’s some 10 times a month.
What do YOU say to that?!”

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!”
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells,
“That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!”

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, “Sure, once a day!
But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!”

A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be
stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a
year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he
wrote her a letter.

” My love,” he wrote ” we are going to be apart for a very long time.
Already I’m starting to miss you and there’s really not much to do here in
the evenings. Besides that we’re constantly surrounded by young attractive
native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not
tempted? “

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, “why don’t you learn to play
this?”

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife.
“Darling” he said, “I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we make
passionate love!”

“First let’s see you play that harmonica!”

In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it’s curtains!