Category: relationships

Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So’s the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bill asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Confused, Bill asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, “Lady leave me alone, I’m married’!”

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: “Here lies my wife…..cold as ever”Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: “Here lies my husband…..stiff at last”

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confesses. “Yes. Yes he did.”

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”

After waking up in the morning, a woman tells her husband, “I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace.

What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight,” the husband says with a smile.

The woman can hardly think of anything else all day, and she waits in anticipation for her husband to come home.

That evening, the man walks through the door carrying a small package.

Elated, the wife tears into the wrapping . . . and uncovers a book titled “The Meaning of Dreams”.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Wilber sits in front of Family Court Judge Frieda and the judge asks
“Do you want to live with your mother?”
Wilber responds, “No … she beats Me.”
“Do you want to live with your father.� The judge questions
“No … he beats me too.” Wilber states.
Judge Frieda asks, “How about living with you grandparents?”
Wilber declares, “No … I want to be a Cougar, they don’t *beat*
anybody!!!!”

i wish flor you now,
you wish for me never,
i wish that we could be together.

if the only way we could be together,
is in my dreams,
then i will sleep for eva.

you could fall from a mountain,
you can fall from a tree,
but the best way to fall, is in love with me.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who the hell was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough. I want a divorce!”

I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Jim?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replies.

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: “I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want – and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night – whether you’re here or not.”

The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman.

Naturally I replied, “Big tits.”

He said, “No, I meant for a serious relationship.”

So I said, “Oh, seriously big tits.”

“No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?”

He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt. “Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman’s tits are that big.”

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.

In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with large breasts!

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “Please DO NOT to try these techniques at home.”
“Why not?” asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Honey, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?'”

“Did it save time?” the person in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”

With all these mother-in-law jokes, just where are the father-in-law jokes?
Nobody seems to know, but the lack of father-in-law jokes seems to indicate just
where the real, actual power rests in resolving family problems.