Category: relationships

A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, “Mom, I’m bringing home a
wonderful woman I want to marry. She’s a Native American and her name is
Shooting Star.” “How nice,” says his mother? “And I have an Indian name too,” he
says. “It’s ‘Running Deer’ and I want you to call me that from now on.” “How
nice,” says his mother? “You should have an Indian name too, Mom,” he says. “I
already do,” says the mother. “You can call me Sitting Shiva.”

The housewife answered the phone and listened with relief to the voice in her
ear. “How are you, dear? What kind of day are you having?”
“Oh, mom, the baby won’t eat, the washing machine is broke, I’ve not been able
to get out of the house to shop, and I twisted my ankle and have been hobbling
around. On top of that, the house is a mess and we’re supposed to have two
couples over for dinner tonight.”
“Now dear, just stay calm. Sit down, relax, close your eyes, and I’ll be over
in 1/2 hour. I’ll do the shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for
you. I’ll take care of the baby when I get there and call a repairman I know
who’ll get the washing machine fixed. In fact, I’ll call George at the office
and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once.”
“George? Who’s George?”
“Why, that’s your husband, dear.”
“Mom, I don’t have a husband.”
“Is this 234-5678?”
“Uh, no, it’s not. I think you have a wrong number.” The housewife paused.
“Uhhh, does this mean you’re not coming over?”

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”

The old man says without hesitation –
“I now pronounce you man and wife.”

There was this rich family, they only had one daughter and wanted her to marry a very rich man.

So her parents hired a match maker to find her a good partner.

So the match maker found a nice gentleman who was rich and handsome.

Little did he know that his left foot was amputated and he was wearing a wooden leg.

So the match was made and the girl got married. On the honeymoon the girl found out about his foot.

The girl came running to her mother and said “Mother, mother, he has only one foot!”

The mother said, “You’re very lucky, your father has only 6 inches.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

After 50 years of marriage, a couple decides to have a heart to heart talk on their anniversary. “I wanted you to know” says the gentleman, “that after all of this time, I have remained faithful to you. I would like to know if you have too. We’ve been together for a long time and I think we are strong enough for complete honesty.”

“Well,” says the lady, “remember that time that your business was failing and you needed that loan to keep it afloat? Well, how do you think I secured that loan for you?”

“Oh. Well…after that, we bounced back and prospered…I guess I should thank you for that. You saved my business. Is there anything else?”

“Well…remember when you had that near-fatal heart attack and need that European specialist to fly over and give you a heart transplant?”

“Yes”, he replied.

“How do you think I was able to convince him to come over?”

“Wow. If it wasn’t for that operation, I’d be dead right now. I can’t be mad about that…you saved my life! Uh…anything else?”

“Ummm…remember that time you were running for the President of the country club and you needed those 47 votes to win…..”

Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents’ House

10. Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello.

9. Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.

8. Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask if you can use the bathroom.

7. Mention that ‘Mr Happy’ is primed and ready.

6. Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.

5. Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.

4. Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived their daughter.

3. Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again.

2. Pretend to eat your arm.

1. Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.

a gay man went to the doctor to see if there was anything he could give him to grow hair on his chest, the doctor told him to rub vasoline on it every night before he went to bed and it should help. So he went home and rubbed down just then his boyfriend walked in and asked what in the hell he was doing, so he explained what the doctor had said. The boyfriend responded if that was true you would have a ponytail hanging out of your ass.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways…

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would then ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t, it’s all booked up for a year.'”

* when you don’t use turn signals because everybody knows where you’re going.
* neighbors’ kids play in your yard more than your own kids do.
* if you’re born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
merchants because you’re the first baby of the year.
* there is no local news section in the newspaper.
* if you speak to each dog you pass, by name ….. and he wags his tail at you

* if you dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
* you can’t walk for exercise because everyone offers you a ride.
* when the biggest business in town sells farm machinery.
* if you write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
* if you missed church on Sunday and the preacher sends you a get-well card!

One Day Albert wanted to go golfing. Albert got out of bed early
trying not to wake his wife. He got dressed and sneaked out of
the house. He got to the golf course and wanted a cup of coffee
before hitting the course. So he went into the club house for a
cup of coffee.

Once finished he started out the door and he noticed it was too
foggy to golf. So he got back into his truck, real upset, but
headed back home.

Albert was real slow on sneaking back in, took off his clothes
and went back in bed snuggling back to his wife carefully and
saying it’s terrible weather out there. The wife said, “Ya, and
to think my stupid husband went golfing in it!”

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for a heart attack the gentleman was having. When the squad got there it was too late and the man had died. While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack. The lady replied, “Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming – but I guess he was going.

A man came home and found his wife in bed with another man. He challenged the
stranger to a duel. They walked into another room and closed the door. Then the
man said to the stranger, “Why should any of us die? Let’s both shoot into the
air, then we fall to the floor and wait. She will sprint in. To whomever she
will rush, let that man have her.” The stranger agreed. They both shot into the
air and fell to the floor. The wife rushed in, looked at the two bodies and
shouted, “Darling, you may come out, they both croaked.”