Category: relationships

As a mother passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange
buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, “What in the
world are you doing?”

The daughter replied, “Mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave
me alone.”

The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side
of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter
making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing,
the daughter said, “Dad, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is
about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me
alone.”

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the
groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of
all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband
sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the
couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, “What the hell are you doing?”

The husband replied, “I’m watching the ball game with my son-in-law�.

Michael Jones was a 61 year old man who died in his sleep. He was a piece
loving man. He always tried to keep the family from falling apart. He was
very wealthy. Before he died he promised good fortune to his family in his
will.

His friends and family gathered together to read the will:

To my son John. Whom i love dearly. But do not trust with shit. Give him
my jewels. So maybe he’ll stop stealing other peoples.

To my daughter Jessica. Give her a thousand dollars of my money. She’ll
just smoke it up on drugs. The damn druggie. When will you learn.

To my grand baby Tee Tee. Give her a scholarship to any college in the
world that she wants to go to and nothing more because she might just end
like her mother. A druggie.

My loving wife. Give her shit on a platter. The cheating bitch. Get her
out of my house at once.

Last to my secretary, give her all of my money, house, car, investments
and my island. She can suck a mean dick.

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. ‘The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.’

The man lowered his head and said, ‘Wedding cake.’

“I think that the Queen Mum and Princess Diana are our very own Twin Trade
Towers. At last we can look the people of New York in the face”. Lower,
Mansfield.

“I’m worried that I’m losing my wife’s love,” the husband told
the counselor.

“Has she started to neglect you?”

“Not at all,” the dejected man replied. “She meets me at the
door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always
ironed, she’s a great cook, the house is always neat, and she
keeps the kids out of my hair. She even lets me choose the
television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex, or
says she has a headache.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“Maybe I’m just being too sensitive,” the husband ventured, but
at night, when she thinks I’m sleeping, she puts her lips close
to my ear and whispers, ‘Die! Die, you son of a bitch!'”

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

“Where have you been!” demanded his wife when he entered the house.

“Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary, and we’ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until 8.00 p.m.”

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!!”

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Calamjo

A husband and wife, both in their 80’s, visit their doctor and complain of short-term memory loss.

After listening, the doctor suggests that they may want to write down the things they would like to remember. The couple agree that this would be a good idea.

A few days go by and the husband and wife are in bed late one evening when the wife says she could go for a bowl of ice cream. The husband volunteers to go down to the kitchen and dish it up.

“Do you think you should write it down like the doctor said?” the wife asks.

“No, I think I can remember a bowl of ice cream,” replies the husband, as he heads downstairs.

After a few minutes the husband comes through the door and presents his wife with a platter of bacon and eggs.

“I knew this would happen!” she exclaimed. “You forgot my toast!”

Submitted by yisman
Edited by Curtis

Answer: Dry, sober, and at home with his wife

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him “this is all in your mind”, and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses “I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.”

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells him, “I can cure this”, and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke….

The witch doctor says “This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say ‘1 2 3’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”

The guy then asks the witch doctor “What happens after when its over?”.

The witch doctor says “all you have to say is ‘1 2 3 4’ and it will go down”. “But be warned it will not work again for 3 months!”

This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news… So he is lying in bed with her and says “1 2 3”, and suddenly he gets a hard-on.

His wife turns over and says “What did you say ‘1 2 3’ for?”

Q. Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with newspaper? A. Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.- – – – – – – – – – -Q. What’s the right planting depth for ‘Mother-in-law’s Tongue’? A. 6 feet.

Q: What comes out of ant holes?

A: Cousins

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.

A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, “You should be hung!”

To which he calmly replied, “I am. That’s why she cuts the grass!”