Category: relationships

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife, “I have a chance of a lifetime to go fishing for a week, but I have to leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas. I’ll be home in about an hour to pick them up.”

He goes home, grabs everything, and rushes off.

He returns a week later and his wife asks if he had a good time.

He says, “Oh, yes great! But you forgot to pack my blue pajamas!”

His wife smiles and says, “Oh no, I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets
up from his seat. She thinks to herself, “Here’s another man trying to keep up
the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his
seat”, and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and
refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, “Look, lady, you’ve got to let me get up. I’m two miles
past my stop already.”

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, “I’ll be ready in an hour.”

“Perfect,” she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, “Traffic is terrible. I won’t be there for about an hour and a half.”

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. “What should I do?” he asks.

The Doctor replied, “It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?”

“Yes” the man replied.

“Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?” said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, “But I don’t need Viagra with the housekeeper…”

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the
kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white
hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, “Why are some of your hairs
white, mom?”
Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me
cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said,
“Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

4 KINDS OF SEXHOUSE SEX: When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.BEDROOM SEX: After you have been married for a while you just have sex in the bedroom.HALL SEX: After you have been married for many, many years, you just pass each other in the hall and say, “FUCK YOU”COURTROOM SEX: Your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of lots of people for every penny you’ve got.

* Child comes home without glasses claiming to have lost them in a game of
“Lord of the Flies.”
* Your son thinks making hand-puppets requires a paper bag, some water paints,
and no pants.
* “OK, kids! Gather ’round the pentagram for sing-a-long time!”
* Potty training involves a lighter, a clip and rolling papers.
* No student has ever jumped from Mary Margaret’s School for the Gender
Ambiguous directly into the NBA.
* Practice of “trapping and killing your lunch” not mentioned in brochure.
* Leather-clad teacher announces that today’s letters are S and M.
* The classroom hamster is really just a wad of cotton from an aspirin bottle.

* She can’t say her ABC’s, but she can re-sole your Nikes in 20 seconds flat.

* Even the baby bottles have pierced nipples.
* For snack time, it’s always anchovies and Clamato.
* “Do-Bee” always seems to have the munchies.
* The teacher sends home a note reading, “Your snot-nosed little bastard keeps
getting into my tequila.”
* On the first day, the children are divided into “pimps” and “hos.”

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”

I told her, “How about the kitchen?”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Why did you escape from prison? – a policeman asks the fugitive.
wanted to get married.
Heh. You have quite the strange view of freedom.

A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage and requested, “I’m looking for a spouse. Could you please help me to find a suitable partner?”

The marriage officer said, “Your requirements please.”

“Well, let me see, needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don’t go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation, and be silent when I want to rest.”

The officer listened carefully and replied, “I understand, you need a television!”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

A man and a woman had just gotten married and the were at the
wedding reception. Now it was a family tradition on the bride’s
side to dance the first song with the best man. The groom was
alright with the idea so he let the best man dance with her.
Then suddleny, the song ended and then another song came on. The
groom just waited for it to be over but that song soon ended and
they were still dncing. The groom got so mad that he went right
up to the bride and kicked her betwen the legs!

The best man was so furious and he yelled at the groom, “I’ll
see you in court!” So all three of them went to court and the
judge asked the groom what had happened. The groom said, “They
kept on dancing and dancing and dancing until I got so pissed
that I kicked Ericka (the wife ) between the legs.” The judge
said, “Oooh! That’s gotta hurt!” Then the best man said,
“Yeah…I broke three fingers!”

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing.

The police arrive and ask for a description.

She tells them he’s 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.

The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.”

The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.

She replies, “Just because I reported him missing, doesn’t mean I wanted him back!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his
father for help. “Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and
reality?”
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “Let’s make a
demonstration out of this. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you’ve
learned.”
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what
his father means. He asks his mother,�Mom, if someone gave you a million
dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?” His mother looks around slyly,
and then with a little smile on her face says, “Don’t tell your father, but,
yes, I would.”
Then he goes to his sister�s room and asks her, “Sis, if someone gave you a
million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?” His sister looks up and says,
“Definitely!”
The kid goes back to his father and says, “Dad, I think I’ve
figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in
reality, we’re living with a couple of whores.”