Category: relationships

You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?” Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot’s story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane … only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”

I was in las Vegas, when a man walked up to me and “sir do you have a extra $20.00, my wife needs an operation that costs $1000.00. I have $980.00 and just need the last $20.00”

Well I thought about, when I ask the man, how will I know that you are going to walk into that casino and gamble it away.

Well the man replied “No sir… I have money for gambling.”

English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newly weds do, time and again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she see him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, “What’s THAT?”, pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, “Well, that’s what we had so much fun with last night.” And she, in amazement, asked, “Is that all we have left?”

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend’s girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she’s really attractive. — Bruce Friedman

This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the
doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says, “Hi, I’m
Freddy. I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re gonna go eat spaghetti. Is she ready?”

The man, mildly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing
there says, “Hi, I’m Jim. I’m here to see Kim. We’re gonna go for a swim. Can I
come in?”
The guy, now perplexed, says, “Yes,” and the two take off.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A kid
standing there says, “Hi, I’m Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. We’re gonna go to
the show. Can she go?”
The man, now kind of annoyed, says, “Yes.” The two depart.
Sure enough, a few minutes later the door rings and the father answers. A kid
standing there says, “Hi, I’m Chuck…�
The father shot him.

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”

“Quiet!” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say,”

“And I said be quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you, the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the guy in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

* “Sorry I’m a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore.”
* “Show me how you used to spank her.”
* “Hi, I’m Hoopla69.”

A woman was visiting her husband in prison.

“Why hasn’t your mom bothered to visit me?” he asked.

She turns to him and replies, “Because she is too busy spending the reward money!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

A man is rushing to work one day when he is knocked down by a
car. When he comes round in the hospital, his wife is sitting
next to the bed. He turns to her and says, “When I was unpopular
at school, you took the time to get to know me and we started
dating. When I failed my degree at university, you were there
beside me. When I couldn’t get a job through failing my degree,
you were there beside me. When I did get a job, the same job I
have been doing for 15 years without a pay rise, you were there
beside me. I get run over, wake up in the hospital and you are
there beside me. I have something I really need to say to
you…” Choking back tears, the man’s wife moves to sit on the
bed. She gently picks up her husband’s hand in hers, “Yes my
darling?” He says, “FUCK OFF YOU WITCH! YOU BRING ME BAD LUCK!”

Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Joe, is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”

“Hey Joe, he yells out – I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Don’t make such a big deal out of it,…it’s only an earring.” Says Joe sheepishly.

“No really,” probes Morris, “How long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife, Becky, found it in our bed.”

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, “Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.”
“Because,” the man says,”I live in a two-story house.”

The Judge replies, “What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?”

The man answers, “Well Judge, one story is ‘I have a headache’ and the other story is ‘It’s that time of the month.’