Category: relationships

My other wife is beautiful.

A boy and his father are playing with toy cars; the father has the police car
and pretends to pull over the car that the boy is playing with.
“Do you have a driver�s license?” asks the father.
“No,” says the boy.
“Are you resisting arrest?” he asks.
The boy hesitates before he says, “No … I’m not sleepy yet.”

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied…

“Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Tantilazing

Married life is full of excitement and frustration: * In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. * In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. * In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts!”

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts!”

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute!”

The wife is furious. She yells at him “Is that all you’re going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore…”

The man sighs and says, “It’s started…”

Three men are waiting at the hospital for their wives to have babies. After what seems an eternity, the nurse finally walks into the waiting room and goes up to the first guy and says “Congratulations sir, you’ve just had twins!”

“Wow, this is great!” he exclaims, “And, what a coincidence, I work at Twin City Federal!”

A half hour later the nurse comes back into the waiting room, approaches the second guy and says “Congratulations sir, you’ve just had triplets!”

“Are you serious?!” he replies, “This is the greatest day of my life! Gosh, what a coincidence, I work at 3M!”

At this moment the third guys says “That’s it, I’m outta here!”.

The second guy asks why.

Third guy says “I work at 7-11!”

Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter met them. They asked if they could still be married in Heaven.

“Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back.”

Six months passed and finally Peter returned.

“Yes, we can do this for you.”

“Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don’t work out there’s a possibility that we could be divorced?’ To which St. Peter answered “It took me six months to find a priest up here…how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?”

Once a 40 year old man was stalking a 15 year old. The fifhteen year old was walking home one day, when the 40 year old man jumped out and grabbed her. He took her to his apartment. Then he tied her up to a chair, and asked her a question. The question was “will you marry me?”The fifhteen year old was shocked, she asked him a question. Her question was “are you one of those Micheal Jackson wannabes?”

A guy walks into a bar. He’s a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, “All the guys on this side of the bars are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?”

Everyone is understandably silent. He then chugs back another beer and says, “All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?”

Everyone is silent, again. Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk towards the man. “You got a problem, buddy?”

“No, I’m just on the wrong side of the bar.”

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. “That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits,” he said. “Why don’t you take your blouse off and we’ll see what he does?” At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. “Hey,” the husband said, “let’s really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we’ll see what he does.” Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. “Now,” said the husband with an evil smile, “tell HIM you have a headache!”

Husband: “Want a quickie?”Wife: “As opposed to what?”

Why are men so uncommunicative?

You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis