Category: relationships

A man comes home for a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to to their seperate beds however the man was not yet ready to slumber.

The man called over to his wife “My little boopey-boo, I’m lonely.”

So the women gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says ” Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?”

The women gets up and enters the man’s bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says “Clumsy bitch.”

At a resort club in France, a romantic Frenchman spots an American lady
tourist entering the dining section. He swiftly rushes to her assistance,
with his usual charm and his obviously attractive dialect, “Bonjour,
madamoiselle.” “Bonjour!” She answers back, “Can you……..?” and before
she could finish her sentence, the Frenchman interrupts to say, “Anysing,
yes I can, for you. Ma cherrie.” He takes her hand, kisses her palm, licks
her fingers romantically and then continues saying, “Just as beautiful and
sweet as you are, your fingers are. What is this tasty lotion you use, ma
cherrie? And if I may ask, what is this you wanted to be assisted in?”

The lady (at that time very impressed) answered, “I’ve just been changing
my baby’s diaper’s, he has been suffering from serious diarrhea. So, I
just wanted to know where I could wash my hands.”

Typical macho man married typical good looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don’t expect any hassle from you. “

“I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you. “

“I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. “

“Those are my rules. Any comments?”

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there’ll be sex here at ten o’clock every night…… whether you’re here or not.”

Submitted by for4
Edited by Calamjo

An elderly gentlemen went in for his annual physical exam. The doctor said, “You’re in incredible shape. How old are you again?” The man replied, “I am 78.”

The doctor exclaimed, “Wow, 78. How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60 year old.”

The man explained, “Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside to settle down.”

“What does that have to do with it?” asked the doctor.

The man sighed, “I’ve pretty much lived an outdoor life.”

This lady got home and bursts in yelling, ‘Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!’ The husband says ‘Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?’ She then replies, ‘I don’t care…Just get the hell out!’

The other day my wife, my son, and I were at the beach. Tommy, at 3 years, is
generally very good about being courteous and careful with other people. Like
any child his age however, he occasionally has lapses. On this occasion he
winged a Frisbee at my wife. After he did so, I prompted him for the usual
gosh-I-really-had-no-idea “Sorry�.
I said, “Tommy, what do you say when you almost hit someone with something?”
He immediately replied: “Duck!”

These days, pressure to do drugs is all around, so it’s vital that you reach
your kids early. Here are some tips for talking to them about marijuana and
other illegal substances.
* Tell your kids that if they ever do drugs, CIA Director William Webster will
think they are losers.
* As an alternative to drugs, suggest “cool” drug-free activities, like making
a bird feeder out of a milk carton or interviewing local seniors about what the
olden days were like.
* Before engaging in any stressful discussion with your children, take a
moment to smoke a bowl or two to relax. Scare your kids straight with the
terrifying tale of the time you were 16 and did bong hits in the back of an El
Camino outside a Kansas concert.
* Explain that only lowlifes like pro athletes and rock stars use drugs.
* Kids may ask too many questions. To save time, just explain to them that the
powder-filled balloons will keep them from getting sick on the plane ride back
to America.
* If your child must use drugs, make it a culturally enriching experience by
hiring a certified shaman to take him/her on a traditional peyote vision quest.
* As an alternative to harmful drugs like marijuana, encourage your kids to
experiment with safe, legal substances like cigarettes and alcohol.
* Be direct, brief, and to the point. Remember, you only have about 45 minutes
or so before the acid really starts to kick in.
* Today’s kids place an emphasis on good “vibes” in a conversational setting.
Accentuate the site of your talk with black-light posters and lava lamps. Keep
the lighting dim, hanging wall-sized tie-dyes or tapestries over exterior
windows to blot out all sunlight.
* Explain to your kids that the reason they call it “dope” is that you have to
be a “dope” to use it. From then on, the mere mention of “dope” will flood their
minds with terrifying imagery of “being a dope,” scaring them off drugs
forever.
* Record your conversation with your child, then unspool, cut up and
reassemble the recording at random. Use the resultant juxtaposed fragments to
predict the future in a process similar to the throwing of the I Ching.
* Ask the editors of Highlights for Children to repeat the strip in which
Goofus OD’s and chokes on his own vomit in a bathroom stall at the train
station.
* Before bringing up drugs with your kids, hook your turntables up to
a wah-wah pedal.

One day three couples in a minivan are heading to Yellowstone National Park on a vacation. One couple is from Nebraska, one is from Kansas, and one is from Iowa. They stop at a little cafe on the side of the road for breakfast.

Their waitress serves them their food, and the husband from Nebraska says, “could you pass the honey honey?” to whom his wife, hands over the honey.

Then, the husband from Kansas says ” Could you pass the sugar sugar?” and she passes him the sugar.

The Iowan husband sits there for a minute, then looks at his wife and says “Wanna pass me the bacon, pig?”

This guy decides he’s going to play a little joke on his wife one day. As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says, “If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn’t have to keep using your bra.” He laughs and laughs. The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her ass and says “If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn’t have to keep using your girdle.” Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge. The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his penis and says, “If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn’t need to keep sleeping with your brother.”

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife,but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:

THE TENT POLE IS UP, THE CANVAS IS SPREAD, THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST, COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. it read:

TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN PUT THE CANVAS AWAY THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read:

THE TENT POLE’S STILL UP AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD SO DROP WHAT YOU’RE DOING AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD.

To which she replied:

I’M SURE THAT YOUR POLE’S THE BEST IN THE LAND BUT I’M BUSY RIGHT NOW SO DO IT BY HAND!

A policeman, patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot, saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver’s seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting.

Stopping to investigate, he walked up to the driver’s window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said,”Yes, Officer?”

“What are you doing?” the policeman asked.

“Well, sir, I’m reading, and my girlfriend is knitting a sweater.”

“How old are you, son?” the officer asked.

“I’m twenty,” the boy replied, looking at his watch. “And in about twelve minutes, she’ll be eighteen.”

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, “Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What’s the matter with you?”

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, “I don’t care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.”

The husband said, “What did he say about your 56 year old ass?”

“Your name never came up,” she replied.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis