Category: relationships

Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? about 45 pounds.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. — Groucho Marx

How do you keep a man from wanting sex?

You marry him!

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party
everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day
and age.

The husband responded “When we were first married we came to an agreement. I
would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all of the minor
decisions.

And now after 60 years of marriage I can truthfully say that we have never
needed to make a MAJOR decision.”

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead
of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with
the boys and ended up spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was
confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly
two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him,
“How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three
days?”

To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday
came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough to where he
could see her out of the corner of his left eye.

What’s the difference between a job and a wife?

After 20 years a job still sucks.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Chad nervously approached his girlfriend’s father and said “Excuse me, Mr. Scott, but there was something I wanted to ask you.”
“Well, of course, young man!” the proud father replied. “You have my full blessing. My daughter’s happiness is all I want.”

“Blessing, sir?” Chad stammered.

“Yes, of course. You want to marry my daughter, right?” Mr. Scott said.

“Uh, no sir, that’s not it.” said Chad. “Actually, my car payment is due, and I’m a little short until payday, and I wanted to know if I could borrow fifty dollars until Friday.”

“Heck no!” yelled Mr. Scott. “I hardly know you.”

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

A husband and wife had been fighting for 3-4 days.

The next morning they got up and were still not talking.

The wife broke the silence by saying she had a dream last night.

The husband asked her about what.

She said she had a dream she was at an auction. They were auctioning off penises. The little ones went for $500.00 and the big ones went for $1000.00.

The husband throws out his chest and curiously asked what one like his went for.

His wife told him bluntly that they were giving them away as door prizes!

Her husband non-chalantly brushes this aside and tell his wife, “I had a dream last night too. They were auctioning off pussies. The loose ones went for $500.00 and the tight ones went for $1000.00.”

The wife, not quite thinking he would come back at her asked him how much one like hers sold for.

Sell? They didn’t sell yours… where in the hell do you think they held the auction!

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by BreeBrown

My wife says if I go fishing one more time she’s going to leave me. Gosh, I’m going to miss her.

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, “I want you to help me get a divorce.The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.””What do you mean?” asked the attorney. “Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?””No,” replied the woman, “and neither does the little queer.”

A therapist told a woman to use some imagination while making love with her husband to spice things up.

She replied, “You mean imagine that it’s good?!”