Category: relationships

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in N.Y.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!”

So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster,and electric bread maker. Then she said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair

7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me “In the lake.”

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?”

The driver said, “No, jump in!”

If you never want to see a man again, say, “I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children…” – they leave skid marks. — Rita Rudner

One day a newly wed couple was on their honeymoon. The husband
didn’t know she had worms. The problem was she farted in her
sleep. So in the middle of the night he always woke up with
worms covered in shit, crawling on him. He didn’t know how they
got in the bed. So one night he set up a video camera to see how
they got in the bed. He saw something come out his wifes ass and
crawl out of her panties. He called his dad ” Dad you were right
i shouldn’t have married her so soon. She has shit oisters.” He
laughed and said “well it must be a pain in her ass!”

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west.

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, “They’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want.”

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion.

“Well” said the man, ” She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed.”

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

“Well,” the man replied, “She’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed.”

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!” So they were wed right away.

Nine Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

“Well,” explained the farmer, “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

One day a man and a lady decided to go to a nude beach and they had to bring along their 10 year old daughter. Well while the three were walking to their hotel room the daughter asked her parents what were the other men and women were doing and they told her that they were making a cake.So that night the mother and the father were in the room while the daughter was sleep in the livingroom of the hotel. And the daughter heard the noises of the so called”Cake baking”. When they got up in the mornig the daughter asked the mother and the father what was all the noises and they told her they was baking a cake and she said well I licked all the iceing off the cake.

First man: My wife eats like a bird.
Second man: You mean she hardly eats a thing?
First man: No, she eats slugs and worms.

Many aspects of human nature are very puzzling.

Take celibacy.

This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a marriage encounter weekend, Trevor and Kylie listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He addressed the men, “Can you each name and describe your wife’s favourite flower?”

Trevor leaned over, touched Kylie’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s the white, self-raising brand, isn’t it?”

Thus began Trevor’s life of celibacy.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, ‘Now, who is going to tell the wife?’

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.

‘Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretions my middle name, leave it to me.’

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, ‘Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.’

She hollers, ‘TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!’

Rippington says, ‘O.K.’

Mary and Betty were friends that worked in the same office. At lunch, Betty confided to her co-worker that she had an awful row with her husband the night before.”What was it about?” asked Mary.”He was going through a closet, looking for something, and found my birth control pills.” “Well what is the problem with that?” “He had a vasectomy two years ago!”

Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a new bra.

Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!

Wife: You wear shorts!

What’s it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?

Marriage.