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When his wife’s snoring woke him for the third straight night, Harry went to the bathroom medicine cabinet, got some aspirin and popped two tablets into her gaping mouth.
‘Awk, glub!’ choked his startled wife. ‘What the…’
‘It’s okay, honey. I gave you some aspirin,’ he explained.
‘Why? I don’t have a headache!’
‘Great!’ said Harry, triumphantly. ‘Let’s Make Love!’
On the eve of his wedding night, a confused young man calls his father to ask him about his upcoming performance.
“Dad,” says the son, “what do I do tonight? I’m very nervous.”
“Don’t worry,” comforts the father. “It’s all very simple. Remember that thing you used to play with as a teenager? Well, you just take that and stick it where your wife pees.”
So that night, the now-confident young man takes his G.I. Joe and throws it in the toilet!
Alan and his wife, Debbie, are working in the garden. Debbie bends over to rip up weeds.
‘Wow, Debbie,’ Alan says. ‘Your butt is getting really wide.’
‘No, it’s not!’ Debbie says.
Debbie walks towards the barbecue grill to throw the weeds in a trash can.
‘Your butt is getting so big that it’s almost wider than the grill!’ Alan says.
He gets a tape measure and measures Debbie and the grill.
‘Ha,’ Alan says. ‘Your butt’s the same exact size as the grill!’
Debbie ignores Alan’s comments and refuses to speak to him for three days. On the fourth night, they’re lying in bed watching television.
‘I could sure use some lovin’,’ Alan says.
Debbie looks over at him and yells, ‘Don’t think for one minute that I’m going to fire up this big grill for one little weenie!’
A man returned home deeply inebriated.
“Again, you miserable drunkard,” his wife said. “Just this morning you
promised that you’d stop drinking and would love me.”
“Right,” the husband said. “I’m really sorry. I promise to love you. I need
though one drop of vodka, the last one.”
The wife sighed and poured a slug of vodka into a glass. The man gulped it,
and then fell silent. After a while he said, “My dear, to strengthen our love, I
really need one more slug…”
In despair, the wife ran to the balcony and shouted, “My God, is there at
least one real man in this building?”
From the next door apartment a voice sounded, “Why, do you have some vodka
there?”
“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created
equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw
a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the
nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she’ll look
just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy
in his Easter Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your
home to the church, even if you’re driving there.
3. Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s
a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has
made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and
play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to
tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a
quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two
weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting
their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start
painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy
accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because they’re too lazy to cut them.
Girls grow their fingernails long – not because they look nice – but because
they can dig them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys
are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6,
girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to
make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off
the VCR after they’ve watched “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie three times
in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
Things Men Should “Never” Say After Sex:
1) “I was kidding about being sterile, you know.”
2) “Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?”
3) “How come it’s so BIG in there?”
4) “You’ve done this with a lotta guys before—right?”
5) “Next time I come over, don’t bother with the underwear, OK?”
6) (Sniff, sniff) “Is that CAT food?”
7) (Yelling) “OK guys, it’s a wrap, cut, and print it!!”
8) “You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!”
9) “My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better.”
10)”Do you know what a ‘douche’ is?”
11)”Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow.”
12)”I want you to try some of MY deodorant.”
13)”I’m not into relationships. Can’t we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?”
14)”Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!”
15)”I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !”
16)”I’ve been getting these little blisters lately——-“
17)”You wanna do those dishes before you leave?”
18)”You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!”
BalloonsObtain access to their getaway car. Fill with balloons. A few extra helium balloons in the trunk with their luggage is a nice touch.
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when
they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint
moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at
the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again
carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,
“Watch out for the wall!”
This guy decides he’s going to play a little joke on his wife one day. As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says, “If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn’t have to keep using your bra.” He laughs and laughs.
The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her ass and says “If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn’t have to keep using your girdle.” Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge.
The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his penis and says, “If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn’t need to keep sleeping with your brother.”
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in N.Y.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!”
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster,and electric bread maker. Then she said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair
7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me “In the lake.”
8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?”
The driver said, “No, jump in!”
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, ‘When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever’.’
‘Yeah’ she replies, ‘When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.’
A wife reaches her husband a silk handkerchief and asks him; “Doesn’t this belong to your secretary?”. “Where did you find that?”, he stutters. “I didn’t”, she answers. “The mail man found it on your night-stand”.