Category: rednecks

Q. What would a hillbilly change his name to–who had finished third grade successfully, moved to Ohio, got a job in a factory, and moved into a better trailer park?A. Mount William

You’ve ever shoplifted Spam.You don’t understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy.Your son has ever stolen disected frogs from Biology class so that your family won’t go hungry.

You’re a redneck if…. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors
d’ouerve.

An English woman and a Redneck woman woman were grocery shopping, After watching the other woman staring at and hefting two potatoes she asks “What are you looking at?” The Redneck woman says the potatoes reminded her of her husband’s testicles. The English woman exclaims, “THEY ARE THAT BIG?” The redneck woman says, “No, they are that dirty!”

1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.

3. When giving directions, finish with “and it’s right down yonder on the left.” Confuses the mess out of ’em.

4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they’re saying.

5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell ’em “Delta’s ready when you are!”

6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.

7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy ’em!)

8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don’t have it, raise a ruckus.

9. Offer to send ’em a bottle of fresh air.

10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie — John Michael — Jim Bob. . .you get the idea)

11. Frequently bring up “The War of Northern Aggression” in conversation. If anyone ever says the words “Civil War”, always interject that “there was nothing civil about it.”

12. Address all males as “son” and females as “little lady”.

13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It’s “Pah-kahn” not “Pee-can”. (Amen)

14. Put Tabasco on everything.

15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say “Yo, I’m from upstate New Yoik!”,say “Well, I’ll be darned, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!”

16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones.

17. Name all of your children “Bubba”. (or just call em that!)

18. Use the word “reckon” in a sentence and watch their reaction.

19. “Mash” buttons. “Cut” off lights. “Carry” the kids to school.

20. Never simply “do” something. Be “fixin to do” something.

21. Tell them you don’t have an accent, they do.

22. Be sure to include “yes/no ma’am/sir” in all conversations…Offends the heck out of ’em.

23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. “Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there…” “You said left.” “Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town..”

24. Ask them if it’s still snowing up North. Then tell ’em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.

25. Call ’em a yankee. Works every time.

Half the dogs under the porch isnent even yours

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you’re better off trying to find it yourself. Remember: Y’all is singular. All y’all is plural. All y’all’s is plural possessive. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you, either. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “big ol”, as in “big ol truck”, or “big ol boy”.”Fixin'”, as in “I’m fixin’ to go to the store”, is 2nd. And “Y’all” is 3rd. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!”, stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased. If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating. The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you’re supposed to do. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.

You’re a redneck if …. Your name is Junior, Junior.

Once, a redneck asked me : “what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?” “what?” “Nothing – you’ve already told her TWICE!!!”

You’re a redneck if…. Your idea of a 7-course meal is a bucket of KFC and a
six-pack.

Someone asks to see your I.D. and you show them your belt buckle.

Q: What do a tornado, a hurricane and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: In the end, someone is going to loose a house trailer.