Category: rednecks

The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

Fur yer reedin’ plesur… HICKBONICS

The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some
of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollars pipelined through
Washington by designating Southern slang, or Hickbonics,” as a
language tobe taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this
language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from
the Hickbonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI – (noun) -Greeting.

HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage:
Heidi, Hire yew?”

BARD – (verb) – Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.” Usage:
“My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH – (noun) – The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”

BAMMER – (noun) – The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is
Berminhayum. Usage: “A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left
$20,000,000 in improvements.”

MUNTS – (noun) – A calendar division. Usage: “My brother from
Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”

THANK – (verb) – Ability to cognitively process. Usage: “Ah
thank ah’ll have a bare.”

BARE – (noun) – An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and
yeast. Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

IGNERT – (adjective) – Not smart. See “Arkansas native.” Usage:
“Them bammer boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH – (noun) – A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts. Usage: “I
thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my
brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL – (noun) – A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: “I sure hope
my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR – (noun) – A conflagration. Usage: “If my brother from
Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that thing’s
gonna catch far.”

TAR – (noun) – A rubber wheel. Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother
of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE – (noun) – A tall monument. Usage: “Lord willin’ and the
creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in
Paris sometime.”

RETARD – (verb) – To stop working. Usage: “My grampaw retard at
age 65.”

FAT – (noun), (verb) – a battle or combat; to engage in battle
or combat. Usage: “You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup
y’uh.”

RATS – (noun) – Entitled power or privilege. Usage: “We
Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”

FARN – (adjective) – Not domestic. Usage: “I cuddint unnerstand
a wurd he sed…must be from some farn country.”

DID – (adjective) – Not alive. Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”

EAR – (noun) – A colourless, odourless gas: Oxygen. Usage: “He
cain’t breathe…give ‘im some ear!”

BOB WAR – (noun) – A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: “Boy, stay
away from that bob war fence.”

JEW HERE – (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage: “Jew here that
my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence
cump’ny?”

HAZE – a contraction. Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah…haze
ignert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit’n’is laf.”

SEED – (verb) – past tense of “to see”.

VIEW – contraction: (verb) and pronoun. Usage: “I ain’t never
seed New York City… view?”

GUBMINT – (noun) – A bureaucratic institution. Usage: “Them
gubmint boys shore is ignert.”

Q: How do you get a one-armed redneck out of a tree?
A: Wave.

How do you circumsize a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw!!!!!

food

ur suck a redneck u think fast food is hiting a deer at 65mph

When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.Your screen door has no screen.Your biggest ambition in live is to “git that big ole coon.

You might be a redneck if…

Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.

You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).

You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right’

You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.

Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.

In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.

Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.

You’ve ever spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You might be a redneck if…You’ve ever hitchhiked naked,You’re turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer. You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle. Your bumper sticker says, “My other car is a combine.” The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot. The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth. Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse. Taking a dip has nothing to do with water. There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog. You take a fishing pole to Sea World. The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car. You’ve ever filled your deer tag on the golf course. You’ve ever shot somebody over a mall parking space. Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. You think mud rasslin’ should be an Olympic sport. The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business. You list your parole officer as a reference. There are more fish on your wall than pictures. Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

You’re a redneck if …. You have more tattoos than teeth.

Arkansas….3 Million People15 Last Names

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The
current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and
the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn’t hurt. So he buys a new cock
from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he’s a little
worried. So, they’re trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I’ve got to
do something about this! He walks up to the new bird and says, ‘So you’re the
new stud in town? I bet you really think you’re hot stuff don’t you? Well I’m
not ready for the chopping block yet. I’ll bet I’m still the better bird. And to
prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We’ll run
around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for
himself.’ Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he
was more than a match for the old guy. ‘You’re on’, he said, ‘and since I’m so
great, I’ll even give you a head start of half a lap. I’ll still win easy!’

So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the
hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old
rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.
After the second lap, the old guy’s lead has slipped a little but he’s still
hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster’s lead continues to slip each
time around, and by the fifth lap he’s just barely in front of the young fell.

By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his
shotgun, and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his
chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the
henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes
his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself…..

‘Damn, that’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month.’

A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.”Say, how old are you anyway?”the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.”Thirteen,” she replied with a shy smile.”Thirteen ??? My God, girl !!! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here ! Are you crazy ?”he thundered.Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, “Superstitious, huh ?”