Category: puns / word play

Q…What do you call children who are raised in those naughty houses of ill-repute?

A…Brothel Sprouts!

He was an inventor of note. He created a big shoe with a phone in the heel. Now, he thought, he could use a phone whenever he wanted. He made several more so that he could have several shoes with phones in the house. One day, an emergency came up and he needed a phone bad. Would you believe it, he couldn’t find a single phone boot.

Q: What do CIA agents have to remember to go to the bathroom?

A: The ZIP Code.

Once, there was this girl who had no arms or legs. She
met up with this guy who she really liked and asked him out on a
date. He said yes.
On thier first date, the girl said “I’ve never been
hugged before. Would you give me a hug?”
So, the boyfriend, thinking that wasn’t too extreme went
over and gave her a hug.
A few weeks went by and they started to like each other
more and more. The girl said to the guy “I’ve never been kissed
before. Would you give me a kiss?” The guy thinks ‘well, I guess
I should. We have been dating a while’ and leans over and gives
her a kiss.
The girl thinks that things are going quite well, so
one night, on the beach, when the sun was setting, the girl says
to the guy “I’ve never been fucked before. C’mon, fuck me!” So
the guy gets up, picks her up and tosses her as far as he can
into the water and screams “NOW YOU’RE FUCKED” and walks away.

Did you hear that Kraft is building a new plant in Israel?Yeah, it’s going to be called “Cheeses of Nazareth”.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins-if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.

This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Why do women always use DIAL soap?

Because DIAL spelled backwards equals happiness!

A little girl is very bored in her house when she looked out her
window. To her surprise there were a bunch of little boys out
there.

She said “Oh mommy! Can I go see if those boys will let me play?
I’m so bored! I’ll be back for supper! I promise!”

Her mother looked out the window and said “No, boys, they’re
just too rough! I think you should stay inside with me for a
awhile … want to help with dinner?”

“No,” she said. She looked out the window for about ten minutes
then in a quiet voice asked her mother “If I can find a nice
smoooooooth one, can I play with him???”

1. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
2. Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
3. When companies ship styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
4. Why do they report power outages on TV?
5. How do they get the deer to cross at yellow road sign?
6. Why does the sign saying ” Slow Children” have a picture of a
running child?
7. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
8. Why do psychics have to ask your name?
9. If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of
congress?
10. Why are wrong numbers never busy?
11. What is another word for thesaurus?
12. How do you know you’ve ran out of invisible ink?
13. Olive oil comes from olives, and whale oil comes from
whales, where does baby oil come from?
14. Why is a building called a building after it’s completed?
Shouldn’t it be called a built?
15. Why do we park on driveways, but drive on parkways?

GHOST POOPIE: the kind that you feel the poopie come out but
theres no poopie in the toilet

CLEAN POOPIE: the kind where you poopie it out, see it in the
toilet but theres nothing on the toilet paper

WET POOPIE: the kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it
still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper
between your butt and your underwear so you wont ruin them with
the stain

SECOND WAVE POOPE: this happens when you’re done poopie-ing and
you’ve pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realise that
you have to poopie some more

POP THE VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD POOPIE: the kind where you strain
so much to get it out you practically have a stroke

LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: the kind of poope that is so huge , you’re
afraid to flush with out first breaking it into little pieces
with the toilet brush

GASSY POOPIE: it’s so noisy everything within ear shot is
giggling

DRINKING POOPIE: the poopie you have the morning after a long
night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks
on the bottom of the toilet

CORN POOPIE: self explanatory

GEE I WISH I COULD POOPIE POOPIE: the kind where you want to
poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times

SPINAL TAP POOPIE: where it hurts so bad coming out of you that
you swear it was leaving you sideways

WET CHEEKS POOPIE( THE POWER DUMP): the kind that comes out of
your but so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water

LIQUID POOPIE: the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out
of your butt and squirts all over the toilet bowl.

MEXICAN POOPIE: it smells so bad your nose burns

UPPER CLASS POOPIE: the kind of poopie that doesnt smell

SUPRISE POOPIE: you’r not even at the toilet because you are
sure you’re about to fart, but oops!…..a poopie!

DANGLING POOPIE (also known as THE KLINGON): this poopie refuses
to drop into the toilet even though you’re done poopie-ing. you
just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

Q: What did the raccoon say in his will?

A: “Leave it to Beaver.”