Category: puns / word play

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.

Why was the Tomato blushing?
Because he saw the salad dressing.

A termite walks into a barroom and asks,
“Is the bar tender here?”

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he/she had no guts!

What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Their middle name.

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck!

Why don’t cannibals eat comedians?
Because they taste funny.

A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar.
“A pint of lager and a mop please.

“Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.”
“Yes sir, it’s fresh ground.”

What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.

A horse walks into a bar, the barman says
“why the long face?”

Why are proctologists so gloomy?
They always have the end in sight.

What do you give an elephant with diarreha?
Lots of Room

What does mozart do now that he is dead?
He decomposes.

Why do they put bells on cows?
Because their horns don’t work!

Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says “god it’s hot in here, and the other sausage says…
“OH MY GOD IT’S A TALKING SAUSAGE!”

Two nuns were in a car when suddenly a Devil jumps on top of the bonet and starts scratching at the window and screaming at the two nuns.
The passenger (shocked by this) says to the driver “Quick, quick, show him your cross!!”
So the driver leans out the window and shouts “GET THE FUCK OFF MY BONET!!”

A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients.

The gifts were sleeves of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the donor lawyer’s name.

One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the lawyer saying,
“That’s the first time I’ve ever had a lawyer buy the balls.”

What do frogs eat with their hamburgers?
French flies.

What do polo players get from spending all afternoon in the saddle?
Poloroids.

What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.

What do you call a dog that is left-handed?
A south paw.

What do you call a frightened scuba diver?
Chicken of the sea.

What do you call a monster with no neck?
The Lost Neck Monster.

What do you call a transvestite cow?
A Dairy Queen.

What do you call Eskimo cows?
Eskimoos.

What do you get when you cross a duck with a computer?
A quackintosh.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and legs.

The other day I was eating in an Italian restaurant when I accidentally spilled some spaghetti sauce on my favorite white sweater.I wasn’t too distressed, though, because Mr. Wong down on High Street has been doing my laundry for years, and I knew that he could remove just about any stain and get it out like it’d never been there.So I took the sweater down to Wong’s Laundry and dropped it off; Mr. Wong said he’d probably be able to have it cleaned by Thursday. So on Thursday afternoon after work I stopped by Wong’s again.Mr. Wong looked quite distressed when he saw me. He brought out the sweater and, apologizing profusely, explained that somehow this stain was beyond even his power to expunge.And sure enough, though fainter than before, there was still a distinct red stain on the sweater. In an attempt to make up for his failure, Mr. Wong offered to send the sweater to his brother across town, who had been in the laundry business for an even longer time, and who might have a clue as to the method of removal of this extraordinarily persistent stain.The elder Wong brother would rush it through at no extra charge, and should have it looking as white and clean as new by Friday. So on Friday I went back to Wong’s to pick up my sweater, but when I arrived, Mr. Wong regretfully informed me that his brother, too, had failed to remove the red blotch. “No charge,” said Wong, “but you must take sweater elsewhere to clean.The Moral: … Two Wongs cannot make a white.”

Q: what did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blow-job…

Q: Did you hear about the queer burglar?
A: He couldn’t blow the safe do he went down on the elevator…

Q: Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby?
A: Because you get a womb with a view…

Q: Why are eggs so frusterated?
A: Because they only get laid once, they only get eaten once, and you’ve gotta boil them to get them hard…

Q: Where do you get virgin wool?
A: From ugly sheep…

Q: What did Adam say to Eve?
A: Stand back, I don’t know how big this thing gets…

Q: Did you hear about the deaf gynecoligist?
A: He had to learn how to read ilps…

Q: Why are chickens so ugly?
A: You’d be ugly too if you had a pecker hanging out your forehead…

Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Cause they dont know the words…

Q: Where are an elephant’s sex organs?
A: In his feet- if he steps on you you’re fucked…

Q: How do you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?
A: If she farts, her ankles will swell…

Q: What’s the ulitmate rejection?
A: When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep…

Q: How do you know when an elephant’s been fucking in your garage?
A: Your Hefty bags are missing…

Whats Jesus and a picture of Jesus got in comon? They both get hung up with nails

I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest. I was arrested for striking a happy medium.

One Monday morning, Grover picking up the kids along a new bus route.

At the first stop, he picked up a fat little girl. Grover asked, “What’s your name?” “Patty” she replied. She had a seat in the back of the bus.

On the next stop there was a handicapped boy named Ross. All the kids called him “Special Ross.”

Then a young man named Lester Cheese loaded onto the bus, sat down, took off his shoes and began picking at his bunyons.

Finally the last stop came up, and another chubby little girl got on. Grover had never met her, so he asked her her name and her name was also Patty.

On the way to school, Grover looked in his mirror and began to laugh, He was thinking…

“Dang, I have two obese Patty’s, Special Ross, Lester Cheese picking bunyons, on a Sesame Street bus!”

Q: What do you look for when you’re tracking a shoo-be-doo-be?

A: Shoo-be-doo-be-doo.

Back in the unhappy days when Czechoslovakia was under Soviet domination, a valiant freedom fighter was wandering through the countryside, trying to evade a Soviet agent, who was in hot pursuit, found himself near an old castle, and went inside for refuge.

Soon he found that the Soviet agent had followed him into the castle so our hero slipped into the nearest hiding-place, which was a medieval armor. He remained there, very still, until the Soviet gave up in disgust, and left him free to continue working for the liberation of his native land.

Why didn’t the Soviet agent think to look inside the armor?
“Very simple,… As a well-trained Marxist, he would never consider any capitalistic lie as that there was a Czech in the mail.”

Did you here about the pharmaceutical company?

They developed a new drug that, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent and become a nun.

The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.