Category: puns / word play

This guy was married to a woman named Lorraine for over twenty
years. He was, however, having an affair with a very beautiful
woman, names Cleerlie.

After having a secret romance for a year, Cleerlie finally said,
“Look, if you are not going to leave your wife, I’m outta here.
I’ve given you enough time!”

The guy decides to tell his wife Lorraine that their marriage is
over. She has no idea there is any problem. He take her to her
favorite place, the beach, to break the news to her. They walk
out on the rocks, and are standing there when a huge wave goes
over Lorraine and take her out to sea.

The guy look out to the water and sings, “I can see Cleerlie now,
Lorraine is gone!”

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

“But why?”, they asked, as they moved off.

“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver
had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level
panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

“I want to get screwed,” said the man.

“OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as
an initiation fee through the mail slot,” answered the voice.

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed.
Minutes passed and nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid
open again.

“Hey,” exclaimed the sport, “I want to get screwed!”

“What?” said the voice, “Again?”

During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife.

She had him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon!

A kid walked into his new classroom, and the teacher says to him, “Hello,
what’s your name?” And the kid says, “Jeffrey Fuckhour.” The teacher told
him that she doesn’t allow that kind of language in her classroom. Jeffrey
tells her again that his last name is really “Fuckhour” and that she can
go ask his little brother in kindergarden. So the teacher tells her class
to read chapter 4 while she goes to find Jeffrey’s little brother. She
walks into a kindergarden class, where the teacher had stepped out for a
moment and wasn’t there, so she asks, “Hi class, is there a Fuckhour in
here?” One of the kids yells out “No! Theres not even a cookie break!”

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang.
When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there.
The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again.
When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again.
This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang.
When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again.
It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off.
The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.

The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach’s attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said…
“Yes, there’s a nasty bug going around.”

Recently, a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings
from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading
security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only
two blocks away when his econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he
could have overlooked such an obvious error, he replied, “I had no Monet
to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

WARNING! POOR FRED IS DEAD. DO NOT READ THIS UNLESS YOU HAVE COME TO
MOURN HIS PASSING.

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. “Is Fred home?” he asked the woman who answered the door. “Sorry,” the woman replied. “Fred’s gone for cotton.”

The next day the collector tried again. “Is Fred here today?”
“No, sir,” she said, “I’m afraid Fred has gone for cotton.”

When he returned the third day he humphed, “I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?”
“No,” the woman answered solemnly, “Fred died yesterday.”

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred’s tombstone, with this inscription: “Gone, But Not for Cotton. “RIP, Fred.

Two fellows have been at the bar now for quite a while, downing several mugs with abandon. They both look at the far end of the bar, in the direction of an unattractive woman who came in a while back.

The first fellow looks back at the second fellow and says, “Ya know, that woman is looking better and better, isn’t she?”

The second fellow takes another look at the woman, then looks back at his friend and says, “well, I guess what they say is true, then, eh?”

The first fellow asks, “Well, what DO they say?” The second fellow answers, “Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder!”

why can’t a bicycle stand by its self?

Cause it two tired.

A small business owner was faced with the problem that he needed to downsize his company. He added up all the receipts and discovered he could get by if he fired one of his employees. He looked in his files and saw that he had two new employees; one named Jill, and the other named Jack.

Because they had started on the same day at the same time, he wondered how he would make the decision on who to fire. Finally he decided that he would fire the first one he saw taking a break.

About ten minutes later he saw Jill leaning against the wall next to the water cooler. He left his office and walked over to her with a serious look on his face. He turned to her and said, “Jill, I have some rather bad news. It seems as though I’m going to either have to lay you or Jack off.”

Jill looked at her employer and said, “Well, you’re going to have to jack off. I have a headache.”

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic
condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

When he arrives home, he tells his wife about the purchase he’s
just made.

“Olympic condoms?” she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors,” he explains, “gold, silver and bronze.”

“So what color are you gonna wear tonight?” she asks with a grin.

“Gold of course,” says the proud man.

The wife responds, “Why don’t you wear silver–it would be nice
if you came second for a change!”