Category: puns / word play

A poor couple gave birth to a set of twins. They were so poor
that they had to give the babies up for adoption, to ensure that
they could lead good lives with people who could care for them.

One brother was adopted by a family from Mexico, and they named
him Juan.

The other brother was adopted by a family from India, and they
named him Ammal.

20 years passed.

One day, the birth mother received a letter and a picture from
her son Juan. She was so happy to read his words and see his
picture. She excitedly showed them to her husband when he came
home. They were very happy.

Then she sighed sadly. Questioned by her husband, she said, “I
only wish Ammal had sent a picture too. I’d love to see what he
looks like.” Her husband looked at her and said, “dear, they’re
twins. If you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Ammal.”

Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach.
The girl lobster suggested that the boy lobster go get them an ice cream cone.

Having purchased two cones, Mr Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he had finished the ice cream, he realized that his girlfriend’s had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it too.

When he arrived back at the beach Ms Lobster exclaimed “Where’s my ice cream cone?

“Well”, he said. “I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too.”

She was incensed and cried “You shellfish bastard!!”

A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on the beach.

The marriage counselor told him, “If you wish to save your marriage, you’d better be a little boulder.”

JOKESGALORE NEWS FLASH
10 – 29 – 2001:

Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in one of the neighborhoods in Cleveland, Ohio.

Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained.

Police Officials have detained the following terrorists on civil unrest issues:
1: Bin Sleepin
2: Bin Drinkin
3: Bin Fightin

The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, anywhere in the neighborhood.

Police are very confident that anyone who looks like Bin Workin will be very easy to spot in the community. No further information available.

END OF NEWS FLASH
(Pillaged from the Cleveland Browns forums).
http://www.clevelandbrowns.com

But baby pigeon said, “I can’t make it; I’ll get too tired.” His mother said, “Don’t worry; I’ll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine.” The baby started to cry.”What’s wrong?” said the mother.”I don’t want to be pigeon towed!”

Joe says to Bill, “Want to see a picture of my Aunt?”
Bill said, “Sure.”
So Joe takes out a picture.

Bill says, “What are you talking about?
Thats not your aunt!
Thats a picture of a fish!”

Joe says, “Well sure it is… It’s my aunt Chovy!”

Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became
quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn’t on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.

He also was quite a spiritual person. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.

He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with
halitosis.

A woman walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for a chocolate
ice cream cone. The clerk behind the counter apologizes and and
states that they are out of chocolate and would the madam like
to choose a different flavor. The woman says “Oh! in that case,
I’ll have chocolate. The clerk again apologizes and thinking
that the woman didn’t hear him, states again that they are out
of chocolate.

“Is there another flavor that I can get for you?”, he asks.

The woman says, “Well I guess I’ll have chocolate.”

The clerk who is getting agitated says, “Look. WE ARE OUT OF
CHOCOLATE!”

The woman asks for chocolate again! The clerk, who is extremely
pissed, tells the woman: “Spell VAN as in vanilla.”

The woman spells out “V-A-N.”

“Now,” says the clerk, “spell STRAW as in strawberry.”

The woman spells out “S-T-R-A-W”.

“Ok.” says the clerk, “Now spell FUCK as in Chocolate.”

The woman looks dumbfounded for a moment and proclaims, “Hey!
Their’s no ‘FUCK’ in ‘chocolate’!”

And the Clerk replies, “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell
you!”

Life in a vacuum sucks

A guy from the Bronx comes to New Jersey looking for a job. So
he goes to a construction site an goes in one of the trailers
and talks to the boss for a job opening. The boss doesn’t really
want to hire him because he looks like a punky kind of guy. So
the boss figures that he will give the guy an I.Q. test to see
how smart he is.

So he gives the guy a pencil and a piece of paper. He tells the
guy “I want you to write something that will equal to 9”. The
guy thinks about it and scratches his head thinking about it for
5 minutes. After 5 minutes he writes down something and gives
the paper to the boss. The boss asks him “What is this supposed
to mean?” and the guy says “Well, you see, three trees equal 9.
Tree, tree, and tree is 9.”

The boss says ok, a little frustrated, and gives the guy his
paper back. Then the boss tells him, “Well, I want it to equal
99.” The guy thinks about it, scratches his head, and after 10
minutes, he writes down something. He gives it to the boss. The
boss asks him ,”What’s this supposed to be?” and the guy tells
him, “Well, you see, the trees are all dirty, so dirty tree,
dirty tree, and dirty tree is 99.”

So the boss gives the paper back to the guy and says, “I want
you to write something to equal to 100.” So the guy sits there,
scratches his head, and after 15 minutes he writes something
down. He gives the paper to the boss and the boss says, “Now
what the hell is this supposed to be?” and the guy says, “Well,
you see, a little doggie came by and made a tird under every
dirty tree. So, dirty tree and a tird, dirty tree and a tird,
and dirty tree and a tird is 100.”

A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a pile of tampon boxes stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on them saying “5 boxes for a dollar.”Well, the woman just could not believe this price so she asks the clerk if it was correct.He said “Oh yes, 5 for a dollar.”She said “That can’t be right!”The clerk says “Oh yes, it’s right !! 5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached.”

Love ’em or hate ’em, it’s Pun time. Puns, or “groaners” like some folks like to call them are fun. Try ’em on your friends and relatives, but keep a straight face when you tell them and be preapared for GROANS… then you’ll see why they are called so… enjoy and pass ’em on!

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it’s just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.