Category: other

You read about all those terrorist, most of them came here
legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some as
long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to blockbuster, you are
two days late with a video and these people are all over you.
Let’s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration!

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says,
‘I’m sorry honey, but I’ve got a gynecologist�s appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.’

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear, ‘Do you have a dentist’s appointment tomorrow too?’

Jesus and his disciples are sitting around a table discussing the current
problem of drugs in todays society, when Jesus decides that the only way to get
an understanding of the problem is to actually try the drugs for themselves. So
Jesus sends his disciples out to the four corners of the earth to bring back a
variety of narcotics for testing.

Several weeks later the first disciple arrives back. There’s a knock on the
door.

“Peter, you have returned and what have you brought for us.”

“My Lord! from Morrocco I have brought some Hash.”

“We’ll done Peter.”

Another knock on the door.

“Simon, what have you brought back from your travels?”

“My Lord! I have brought some Marijuana from the rain forests of Brazil.”

Another knock on the door.

“John, what have you brought?”

“My Lord! I have brought cocaine from Columbia”

Another knock on the door.

“James! what have you brought?”

“My Lord! from the mountains of Nepal I’ve brouht heroin.”

Another knock on the door.

“Mathew, what have you brought?”

“My Lord! from New York city I have brought some crack.”

Then finally there’s a knock on the door and Judas arrives. And Jesus asks?

Judas what have you brought?

“The FBI mothers, this is a bust.”

1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honey-moon, you both keep doing it until you’re blue in the face.

2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you’ll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You’ve calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, “Fuck you!”

5) The fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

These are the types of shit:

GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won’t ruin them with stains.

SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you’re done poopie-ing and you’ve pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you’re afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSY POOPIE: It’s so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.

DRINKER’S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It’s most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That’s where it hurts so badly coming out, you’d swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.

THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You’re not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* — a poopie!

Submitted by Demonigeo
Edited by Curtis

A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession: “Today I
enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwin came to me and told me that I
had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key
to Heaven, and he put it in the gates.”

“BASTARD!” cried the Mother Superior. “For years he told me it was Gabriel’s
trumpet and I have been blowing it.”

what do you call a hundred pakis jumpin off of a cliff

choclate drops

there was a mom a dad a son and a daugter.one day the girl went up to her mother and asked whats this well thats your garage dont let any motarcycles park into it.and the little girl said ok and went to play in the sand box. then the boy went up to his father and asked whats this well thats your motarcycle park it in any garage you see.so the boy left and went to the sand box to play. five minutes later the little girl came back covered with blood and the mother asked what happened well the boy tried to park his bike in to my garage so i riped off his wheels.

Chocolate Chip Cookies Recipe:

Ingredients:

1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten

2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3

3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite

4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride

5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11

6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11

7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde

8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein

9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao 10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

Directions:

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation.

In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm).

Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston’s first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown.

Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents; her mom makes spaghetti &
meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on
a 3 carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the
thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you’ll marry her and you never get head
again.

CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing
happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but
nothing happens again.
Third date: You don’t even get to the third date and you have
already realized nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real
expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She’s pregnant.

LATIN WOMAN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on
Riunite, have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She is pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, and her sister’s
boyfriend, and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in
the Bronx..

On the wall of a church was a sign:

“If you are tired of sin, come to see us!”

And right below it in nice rounded letters;
“But if you’re not, my phone number is 341 3451”

Un maric�n siempre que iba para su trabajo pasaba por una construcci�n y los alba�iles le empezaban a gritar:

“Adi�s maric�n, adi�s joto…”

Y �l les contestaba:

“Adios simples alba�iles.”

Al otro d�a pasa otra vez y le vuelven a gritar:

“Adios maric�n, adios joto…”

Y el les contesta:

“Adios simples alba�iles.”

Al otro d�a iba pasando atr�s del maric�n una mujer bien buena y los alba�iles le empiezan a gritar:

“Adios mamacita, adios buenota, adios preciosura…”

Y el maric�n, creyendo que le hablan a �l, les contesta:

“�Adios ingenieros!”