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Acquaintance: A person you know well enough to borrow from, but not well
enough to lend to.
Bachelor: A guy who gets to keep all his take-home pay.
Pedestrian: A father who has teenagers who can drive.
Honesty: The fear of being caught.
Zebra: A horse prisoner.
A magazine recently ran a “Dilbert quotes” contest. They were
looking for people to submit quotes from their real life
Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions:
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the
building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken
next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two
weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft
Corp in Redmond, WA.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It
should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager,
Electric Boat Company)
4. This project is so important, we can’t let things that are
more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing
manager, United Parcel Service)
5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No
one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been
working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and
I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them. (R&D supervisor,
Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal
that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was
damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was
write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
7. Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what
I’ say.”(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. “How About Friday?” My sister passed away and her funeral was
scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so
that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year.
He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,
“That would be better for me.” (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. “We know that communication is a problem, but the company is
not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching
supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying:
“This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today
regarding the subject mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal
Affairs Division)
11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him
concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow
would be soon enough. He said “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would
have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business
manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I
was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training
programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the
sentences mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of
the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the
executive committee, I was called into the HR director’s office,
and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the
building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she
wouldn’t stand for “perverts” (pedophilia?) working in her
company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her
demand that I be fired – and the word “pedagogical” circled in
red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked
the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition
to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care
of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out
directing us that no words which could not be found in the local
Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later,
I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my
resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday
paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated
memo from a large communications company: “(Company name) is
endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current
procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on
innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of
quality!” (Lucent Technologies)
A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and runs them down. They show him their papers (he thinks they are phony).
He tells them, “O.K. I have a test for you. I want you to use the words ‘cheese’ and ‘liver’ in a sentence.”
So, the first guy says, “I made a liver and cheese sandwich for lunch.”
The agent says, “That was good, you can go. What about you?” he asks the second guy.
He says, “Liver alone. Cheese mine.”
A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter. He asks the first nun Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis???The nun giggles and replies, Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. St Peter says OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.St Peter asks the next nun the same question Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis.. The nun is a little reluctant but reply’s Well I once fondled and stroked one..St Peter says, OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate… All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns. One nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says Sister, Sister what seems to be the problem??The nun reply’s If I’m going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!!
What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes?
A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.
A very new and nervous school inspector was being shown ’round a very rough school.
Just as the tour of inspection was coming to an end, the principal asked him if he’d mind saying a few words of advice to a class of unruly 16 year olds, who were going to leave school at the end of term.
The principal managed to get the kids to be quiet, introduced them to the inspector and told them that he was going to say a few words to them.
The poor man was totally nonplussed by the sight of unwelcoming faces staring at him, but he took a deep breath and began: “When y-y-y-you were in-in-infants I’m sure you enjoyed your in-in-infancy.”
“As ch-ch-children I’m sure you enjoyed y-y-y-your ch-ch-childhood.”
“I c-c-c-can see that you are enjoying your a-a-a-a-adolescence and I h-h-hope that w-w-when you leave school and become adults, you will enjoy your adultery.”
Submitted by Frodo
Edited by Yisman
An old lady walks up to an old man in an old age home.She says, “If you drop your pants I’ll bet I can tell your age.”So, the man drops his pants.”Your 83″ she says.”Your right! But how could you tell I was 83 just by looking at me without pants on?” he asks.”Easy,” She says, “You told me yesterday.”
What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
Either way someone’s going to lose a trailer.
After thirty-five years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in his eye he says “Annabel before I die I have to tell you something”.
She replies “Yes, yes dear anything what is it?”
He starts, “The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health.”
To which the wife nods her head and he continues, “When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going.
When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me! And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time.
Annabel You’ve been through everything with me.” Bernie says, “So before I die I just want you to know, you’re a f*cking jinx!”
Recientemente, se llev� a cabo una investigaci�n mundial donde se solicitaba respuesta a la siguiente pregunta:
Por favor, �cu�l es su opini�n sobre la escasez de alimentos en el resto del mundo?
�El resultado fue un fracaso!
Razones:
1. En �frica nadie sab�a que era ‘alimentos’.
2. En Europa Occidental nadie sab�a que era ‘escasez’.
3. En Europa Oriental, nadie supo que era ‘opini�n’.
4. En Argentina nadie entendi� que era ‘Por favor’.
5. En los Estados Unidos nadie supo que era ‘resto del mundo’.
A man went into a fish shop and said
“Can I have some cod please?”
The shop owner replied,
“We dont have any cod”
So the man said ok then asked,
“Can I have some cod?”
The chippy owner told him again that there was no cod. So the
man said,
“OK… can I have some cod?”
At this the chip shop owner got really pissed off and said,
“Look mate we have no cod C-O-F-D, cod” the bloke said,
“But the is no F in cod.”
And the chippy owner said,
“Thats what I’ve been trying to tell you!!!”
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital.
“How are you, grandpa?” he asks.
“Feeling fine,” says the old man.
“What’s the food like?”
“Terrific, they have wonderful menus.”
“And the nursing?”
“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”
“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”
“No problem at all, I get nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet … and that’s it. I go out like a light.”
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
“What are you people doing!?” he asks.
“I’m told you’re giving an 85-year-old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?”
“Oh, yes,” replies the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing and yisman