Category: other

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks “Have you got the time?”
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. “It’s a quarter to six,” he says.

“Hey, that’s a pretty fancy watch!” exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little.

“Yeah, it’s not bad. Check this out” – and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says “The time is eleven ’til six” in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues “I’ve put in regional accents for each city”. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. “That’s not all”, says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. “The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning,” explains Jake.

“View recede ten”, Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

“I want to buy this watch!” says the stranger.

“Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet; I’m still working out the bugs”, says the inventor.

“But look at this”, and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, “though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far” says Jake.

“I’ve got to have this watch!”, says the stranger.

“No, you don’t understand; it’s not ready -”

“I’ll give you $1000 for it!”

“Oh, no, I’ve already spent more than -”

“I’ll give you $5000 for it!”

“But it’s just not -”

“I’ll give you $15,000 for it!” And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.

Jake stops to think. He’s only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. “Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it.”

Jake abruptly makes his decision. “OK”, he says, and peels off the watch.

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

“Hey, wait a minute”, calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he’d been trying to wrestle through the bus station. “Don’t forget your batteries.”

There are two sperm and they’re swimming and swimming and swimming for what seems like forever. They’re starting to get tired and one sperm says to the other, “Do you think we should pull over and ask for directions?”The other sperm replies, “Naaaahhhhh, we can find it.” So, they keep swimming. Finally, they see another sperm, who’s looks almost dead, and decide to stop and ask for directions. They ask, “Do you think you can help us get to where we are going?” The almost dead sperm says, “I’ll try, where ya going?”The two sperms reply, “Well, we’re trying to find the fallopian tubes so that we can try and fertilise the egg.”The almost dead sperm just starts laughing. The other two sperms look at one another, somewhat confused, and ask, “What’s so funny?”The almost dead sperm finally regains his composure and replies, “Well, you guys have a long way to go…… you’re still in the oesophagus.”

Mother: “Why are you home from school so early?”Son: “I was the only one who could answer a question.”Mother: “Oh, really? What was the question?”Son: “Who threw the eraser at the teacher”

There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, “Whenever it breaks.”

How do you know if an Asian has been in your house?

– Your dog is gone and your homework is done.

Un ni�o todos los dias molestaba a otro dici�ndole:

“Oye, Pedro �conoces a Juan?”

A lo que el otro le respond�a:

“�Qu� Juan?”

Y el primer ni�o con una soberbia carcajada le dec�a:

“Ag�rrame los huevos que se me van.”

Esto pas� por varios d�as hasta que el ni�o le dijo a su mam� que as� lo molestaban y la mam� le dijo:

“La pr�xima vez que te lo encuentres tu le dices as�: le preguntas por un tal Ernesto y cuando te diga �qu� Ernesto? tu le dices Ag�rrame estos…”

Y al otro d�a el ni�o va contento porque se iba a desquitar y se encuentra al ni�o que lo molestaba y le dice:

“Oye, �y tu conoces a Ernesto?”

Y el ni�o m�s abusado le dice:

“Ah s�, el primo de Juan…”

“�Qu� Juan?”

A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her will and made her final arraignments. As part of these arraignments she met with her rabbi to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted, etc. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomindales. ”Bloomindales!” the rabbi said. ”Why Bloomindales?” ”That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week.”

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year-phase in plan that would be known as ‘EuroEnglish’:In the first year, ‘s’ will replace the soft ‘c’. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard ‘c’ will be dropped in favor of the ‘k’. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome ‘ph’ will be replaced with the ‘f’. This will make words like ‘fotograf’ 20 percent shorter.In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent ‘e’ in the language is disgraceful, and it should go away.By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ‘th’ with ‘z’ and ‘w’ with ‘v’. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords kontaning ‘ou’ and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.Ze drem vil finali kum tru!!

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, “Relatives of yours?””Yep,” the husband replied, “Inlaws.”

what is Michael Jackson’s favorite university?Bringem Young

A man goes into a bank and walks up to the cashier’s desk. “Nice
tits love, I want to open a fucking bank account,” he says.

“I beg your pardon?” replies the cashier. “Listen you dumb
bitch,” he says, “I want to open a fucking bank account!” “I’m
sorry sir,” she says, her bottom lip starting to quiver. “I
can’t help you if you’re going to talk to me like that.” And
with that she leaves her window, walks over to the bank manager
and whispers in his ear. The two return to the window and the
manager asks stiffly, “What seems to be the problem here?”

“There’s no fucking problem,” the man insists. “I just won 10
million on the fucking lottery and I want to open a fucking bank
account!” “I see sir,” the manager quickly replies. “And this
bitch is giving you a hard time, is she?”

Lleg� una vez un enano a la peluquer�a. Faltando poco para terminar, el peluquero le dice:

“Se�or, �le corto las patillas?”

Y el enano enfurecido le responde:

“�Y en qu� me voy?, �en las huevillas?”