Category: other

One day there was a black guy behind the bar working, and a Chinese guy walked up to him and said, “Give me a jigger, nigger.”

The black guy responded, “That is not an appropriate way to talk to someone. How would you like it if someone were to talk to you that way?”

To prove his point, they switched places. The black guy comes out from behind the bar, and te Chinese goes behind the bar.”

The black guy goes up to the counter and says, “Give me a drink, chink!”, and the chinese guy responds “No. We don’t serve niggers.”

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, ”It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.” Adam answered, ”Yes, Lord, but what is a ‘kiss’?” The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, ”Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.” And the Lord replied, ”Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I’d like you to caress Eve.” And Adam said, ”What is a ‘caress’?” So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, ”Lord, that was even better than the kiss.” And the Lord said, ”You’ve done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.” And Adam asked, ”What is ‘make love’, Lord?” So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds. And Adam said, ”Lord, what is a ‘headache’?”

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, “What is your IQ?” to which the man answers “241.”

“That is wonderful!” says Albert. “We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!”

Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, “What is your IQ?” to which the lady answers, “144.”

“That is great!” says Albert. “We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!”

Albert then goes to another person and asks, “What is your IQ?” to which the man answers, “51.”

Albert ponders this for a moment, and then says, “GO REDSKINS!”

1. Two World Wars and One World Cup

2. Warm beer

3. You get to confuse yanks with the rules of cricket

4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events

5. Union jack underpants

6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer

7. Puts you in with a chance bedding Lady Di

8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not

9. Ditto changing underwear

10. Beats being Welsh, or Scottish

I went out with this girl who was so black,
when she got out of the car, the oil light came on.

What has 40 teeth and holds back a monster?

My zipper.

Una vez estaba Jaimito caminando rumbo al colegio cuando un malandro lo llama y le dice:

“�Qu� llevas en la lonchera ni�o?”

Jaimito le responde: “mi comida”

El malandro le dice: “Eso no se llama comida, eso se llama mierda. �Y quien te la hizo?”

“Mi mam�.”

“Ella no es mam� sino puta.”

“�Y adonde vas?”

“Al colegio.”

“Eso no es colegio, eso es co�o.”

Al d�a siguiente Jaimito le dice a su mam�:

“�Oye puta, dame la mierda que me voy al co�o!”

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off. The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him. He says to his congregation, “All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand.” The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man. Then the preacher says even more loudly, “And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!” The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he’s the only one standing. Confused and embarrassed he says, “I don’t know what we’re voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!”

Contrary to popular belief, God’s last name is not damn.

Yo’ mama so fat, when she was born, they didn’t get a birth certificate —
they got blueprints!

Est�n un cirujano, un ingeniero y una inform�tica discutiendo acerca de cu�l es la profesi�n m�s antigua del mundo:

El m�dico dice: “Pues est� claro: Dios cre� a la mujer con una costilla del hombre, una operaci�n quir�rgica exquisita, entonces los cirujanos somos los primeros.”

El ingeniero: “Qu� va,qu� va, antes del hombre exist�a el caos, pura desorganizaci�n y va Dios y con una maestr�a extraordinaria hace un proyecto de ingenier�a asombroso y crea el universo, por tanto la Ingenier�a es la profesi�n m�s antigua.”

La inform�tica: “�Y qui�n creen ustedes que cre� el Caos?”

How to Tell When You’re In Los Angeles:

Your coworker tells you s/he has 8 body piercings: none are visible.

You make over $250,000. And still can’t afford a house.

You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in
English.

Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named
“Breeze.” And you need to know if the teacher is male or female.

If you speak about “urban transit,” you’re besieged by attractive young women
who want to “channel.”

You can’t remember … is pot illegal?

You’ve been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm
donor.

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and
can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian. And you know which
Brentwood restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

A really great parking space can move you to tears.

You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits, a fab exercise
facility and tofu takeout.

You’re thinking of taking an adult class but you can’t decide between aroma
therapy or conversational mandarin.

A man walks into an after hour club on melrose in full leather regalia and
crotchless chaps. You don’t notice.

You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting from the
Midwest.

You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a tourist.

Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers
your mail is into BDSM and your Mary Kay Cosmetic Lady is someone in drag.