Category: other

Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? He does’t want anyone to know he has been messing around with a Chicken….

Un hombre lleva a su mujer a una cl�nica para ser sometida a una intervenci�n quir�rgica. Como fue una larga operaci�n, el tipo regresa a su casa para atender a sus hijos que hab�an quedado solos. M�s tarde, llama a la cl�nica para enterarse del resultado de la operaci�n.

“Buenas tardes, �Qui�n habla?”

“Hola, �es la cl�nica?”

“S� se�or”.

“Le habla Pedro Ripiales. Quiero saber c�mo sali� mi esposa…”

Pero en ese momento, el tel�fono se liga con un taller de reparaciones que estaba hablando con un cliente por el arreglo de una motocicleta.

“Hola, hola, �me est�n oyendo?”

“Perfectamente, se�or. En cosa de dos d�as se la entregaremos”.

“Entonces, �todo va bien?”

“S�, �pero qu� problem�tico fue! La desmontamos toda por dentro. Ten�a much�simas cosas en mal estado, pero ya las cambiamos y dentro de dos d�as va a poder montarla”.

“�Montarla?”

“Sin miedo alguno. Le cortamos el tubo de admisi�n porque lo ten�a muy largo. �Se ve que usted le da duro!”

“Pero, se�or…”

“El desgaste de las paredes nos lo demuestra. Usted deber�a engrasarla m�s a menudo”.

“�Eso es demasiado se�or!”

“Adem�s, debo decirle que su pist�n est� muy usado. No vale nada. Como usted comprender�, le introdujimos un pist�n m�s grueso que el suyo y hemos quedado sorprendidos del resultado. Tambi�n le ampliamos el tubo de escape que estaba abollado”.

“�Del escape?”

“S�, por donde salen los gases. Estaba casi completamente tapado, pero ahora qued� que da gusto”.

“�Pero, qu� mierda?”

“No se inquiete, que ahora todo marcha bien. Yo mismo la prob�. Despu�s la hemos montado siete y con todos se ha portado maravillosamente”.

This boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, “Sweetie, why don’t you give me a blowjob?”

“What? You’re crazy???!!!” “Don’t worry, it will be quick, no problem.”

“No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor…”

“At this time of the night no one will show up.”

“I’ve already said NO, and NO!”

“Honey, it’s just a small blowie… I know you like it too.”

“NO!!! I’ve said NO!!!”

“My love.. don’t be like that..”

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her night gown with hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says.”

Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will comedown and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God’s sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!”

Yo’ mama so dumb that if brains were dynamite she couldn’t blow her nose!

What does a teenage girl from West Virginia say during sex?

“Carefull dad, you’re crushing my cigarettes!”

Your so bent you make a roundabout look straight.

This speaks a lot about the quality of Japanese products and their quality standards. They’re still laughing about this at IBM.

Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000.

When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. “We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you.”

What has 40 teeth and holds back a monster?

My zipper.

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.

At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.”

So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, “I want to hang out with Adam, the first man.”

So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.

When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, “Hey aren’t you the inventor of woman?”

Adam says, “Yes.”

“Well,” says Ford, “You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust.”

“Hmmmmm..” says Adam, “hold on”.

So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.

The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.

He then says to Ford, “It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout “PRAISE THE LORD!”Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, “There ain’t no Lord!!”Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted “PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!”The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD.”The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, “Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn’t.”The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, “PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!”

Once there was a girl. It was her first day in the 1st grade.
When she came in the teacher asked her what her name was. The
girl said Happy Butt. Well, the teacher was not very happy and
put the girl in time out. After her five minutes of time out the
teacher again asked her what her name really was. Again, the
girl answered “My name is Happy Butt.”. So she said in time out
again. Five minutes later the teacher came up to her and said
“If you don’t tell me your real name you will have to go to the
principal.”. The girl still replied with Happy Butt. So, she
went to the principal. She waited for the principal to come and
talk to her. The principal came in, and asked her what her name
was. She said “My name is Happy Butt.” The prinicipal said “If
you don’t tell me the truth I will call your Mom.” So the little
girl again responed “My name is Happy Butt.” So, the principal
called the girl’s mother. The prinicipal asked the girl’s mom
what her name really was. The mother answered “Her name is
Gladice”. So the principal said Thanks and hung up. Then, he
went to the little girl and said, “Your name is not Happy Butt,
it is Gladice.” So the little girl said “Glad Ass, Happy Butt,
what’s the difference?”

There was this sapling that didn’t know what kind of tree he was. He was growing up between a birch tree and a beech tree and thought they might be able to tell him what kind of tree he was.

First he asks Mr. Birch Tree and says..”Mr. Birch, Mr. Birch, I gotta know…am I a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

Mr. Birch replies, “Well, i don’t know, you could be a son of a beech, you could be a son of a birch, why don’t you go ask Mr. Beech?”

So the sapling goes “Mr. Beech, Mr. Beech, i gotta know, am I a son of a Beech or a son of a birch?”

And Mr. Beech says, “well, I dont know, but I do know someone that will be able to tell you, I’ll call him up and he’ll tell you what you are.”

So, Mr. Beech calls good ole Mr Woodpecker and explains the situation to him. Mr Woodpecker explains to the sapling that he must take a nibble of his bark to be able to tell him what he is and the sapling agrees.

Well, the woodpecks takes a nibble and exclaims “My…you’re neither a son of a beech or a son of a birch but the finest piece of ash I’ve ever put my pecker in!”