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The two female teens were discussing a news article concerning gasoline fumes causing impotence in the male.
“Aren’t you worried about Tommy’s new job at the gas station?
Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his pencil.”
“Doesn’t matter.” giggled the other girl. “He doesn’t do all my writing anyway.”
A woman approaches her priest and tells him,
‘Father, I have a problem. I have two talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.’
‘What do they say?’ the priest inquires.
‘They only know how to say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?”‘
‘That’s terrible,’ the priest exclaims, ‘but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots that I taught to pray and recite the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.’
‘Thank you,’ the woman responds.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The woman puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots.
Immediately, the female parrots say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?’
One of the male parrots looks over at the other male parrot and says,
‘Put the beads away, our prayers have been answered.’
Swiss salary.
Luxembourg taxes.
German car.
British home.
Spanish girls.
French wine.
Italian food.
Belgian beer.
Austrian mountains.
Danish administration.
And this was the EC’s proposal for a Europe after EMU:
Czech salary.
Swedish taxes.
Spanish car.
Belgian home.
Greek girls.
German wine.
British food.
French beer.
Dutch mountains.
Italian administration.
Apparently, when we joined the EMU, the term ‘spending a penny’ was replaced
by ‘euronating’.
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogie in it!
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”
The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”
As they left the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman. How’d you come to your diagnosis so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick.”
“Huh,” the younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. I think I’ll try that at the next house.”
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she once did. “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”
“You’ve probably been doing too much work for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”
As they left, the elder doc said, “Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?”
“Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Un granjero estaba dando instrucciones a su esposa antes de salir de compras al pueblo.
“El veterinario va a venir esta tarde a inseminar a una de las vacas. Puse un clavo en el establo junto a la vaca para que sepas cual es la que quiero que insemine.”
Seguro de que incluso su tonta esposa podr�a seguir sus instrucciones, el granjero sali� al pueblo.
Por la tarde llego el inseminador y la esposa lo condujo al establo, directamente donde se encontraba el clavo. “Esta es la vaca,” dijo ella.
“Oiga, �y el clavo para qu� es?”
“�Supongo que para que cuelgue sus pantalones!”
Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George:
“Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She’s a lot better in
bed than my wife!”
Two days later. George to John: “Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well,
but I still think your wife is better in bed!
I got a new car stereo the other day. One of those new voice activated ones.
You say ‘rock’ it plays rock, you say ‘rap’ and it plays rap.
Some kids ran in front of my car the other day i yelled ‘Fuck*n kids’ and it played Michael Jackson.
“This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I’d like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.”If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.”If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.”If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.”That’s me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!”
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
“Ma’am,” said the cop, “I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.”
“Oh, I’ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home,” responded the Amish lady.
“That’s fine. Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!” instructed the cop.
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
“Well, dear, what exactly did he say?” asked Jacob.
“He said the reflector is broken,” replied the lady.
“I can fix that in two minutes. What else?” wondered Jacob.
“I’m not sure, Jacob… something about the emergency brake”…
Un se�or siempre pasaba por una tienda de animales en su camino diario, y cada vez que pasaba un loro le dec�a:
“Ese que va ah� es puto, ese que va ah� es puto.”
“Pinche loro.”
Esto era todos los d�as y el ya estaba cansado as� que decidi� disfrazarse para despistar al lorito.
Primero de licenciado.
“Ese que va ah� es puto, ese que va ah� es puto.”
“Pinche loro hijo de…”
Despu�s de pirata.
“Ese que va ah� es puto, ese que va ah� es puto.”
“Pinche loro culero.”
Y as� pasaba todos los d�as. Harto de esta situaci�n se dijo para s� mismo.
“Esta vez me voy a disfrazar de algo que no me pueda reconocer.”
Al d�a siguiente pasa disfrazado de mujer.
“�No que no? �No que no?”
A couple, age 67, went to the doctor’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, “There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse”, and he charged them $32.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally, the doctor asked, “just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
The old man said, “we’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married, and we can’t go to her house. I’m married, and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get back $28 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor’s office.”