Category: other

You’re so ugly that when you were born, you got put in an incubator
with tinted windows.

You’re so stupid you were locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

You’re so stupid you triped over a cordless phone.

You’re so stupid you were locked in a toy store and died of boredom.

You’re so stupid you were locked in a restroom and pissed in your pants.

You’re so stupid you sold your car for gas.

You’re so stupid you sit on the tv and watch the couch.

I sent my son to college and he spent four years going to parties,
having fun and necking. It’s not that I’m sorry I sent him, I should
have gone myself.

-Joey Adams

There was this couple once who had everything; the son and daughter, a house, a cat… I mean the basic stuff. Well I guess as the got older they started to lose their sex drive. This discouraged the husband so he went to the doctor and got some extra strength Viagra even though it was still in its trial phase. Well the doctor told him, “only one pill a day, and I’ll call you at the end of the week.”
So the doctor calls at the end of the week and asks how well the pills are working.
The man replies, “Oh their great! I haven’t had sex like this for 10 years!”
The doctor tells him to “keep it up, and remember… only ONE pill a day.”
The wife found out however and started slipping him an extra pill each day without him knowing. So when the doctor called and asked how everything was holding up the man replied, “I’m addicted! I haven’t had sex like this since I was 16!” Now the doctor was kind of suspicious but just let it go and decided to call him at the end of next week. Meanwhile, the greedy wife (who was loving it) started giving him 3 doses of xtra strength viagra a day.
The doctor called at the same time next week, but this time a little boy answered the phone. “Are your parents there?” the doctor asked.
“Well… they are but there locked in their room and won’t come out.” The boy answered.
“Ok.. I’ll call back in 3 hours.” The doctor promised; but when he called back the boy answered the phone again.
“You just missed them… they came down and got a drink and ran right back upstairs.” The boy informed him.
“Listen I’ll be there in 5 minutes!” The doctor by this time had a pretty good idea what was going on and rushed over there as fast as he could; but being unreliable, he got there an hour later.
When he knocked on the door the little boy answered the door. In desperation the doctor asked where the boy’s parents were.
The boy took a deep breath and said, “Mom’s dead, sister’s pregnant, my butt hurts, and dad’s looking for the cat.”

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their “freedom.”
As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his private

The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in MY congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”

Un sujeto regresa con una radio de transistores al lugar donde la compr�. Molesto, la tira encima del mostrador de quien se la vendi�, diciendo:

“�Compadre, esta radio es una porquer�a!”

“�C�mo dice? �Qu� usted no quer�a una radio en la que se escucharan todas las emisoras?”

“�S�, pero no todas juntas!”, contesta indignado

There is this lady who is pregnant with triplets.

The first baby tells the other two, “When I get out of here I’m gonna be an electrician because it’s to damn dark up in here.”

The second baby says, “When I get out of here I’m going to be a doctor, because this cord is bugging the hell out of me.”

The third baby says, “When I get out of here I’m going to be a hunter, because if that damn snake comes up here one more time, I’m gonna cut it’s fucking head off.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Megaspores.

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal
car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven’s Gate waiting
on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly
get married in Heaven.

St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know,
this is the first time anyone has asked. “Let me go find out.” and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer…for a couple of months…and they
began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the
eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work?” they wondered, “Are we
stuck together forever?”

St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking some what bedraggled.
“Yes,” he informed the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.”

“Great,”said the couple, “but what if things don’t work out? Could we also get
a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

“What’s wrong?”, asked the frightened couple.

“COME ON!” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three months to find a priest up
here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?”

Swiss salary.
Luxembourg taxes.
German car.
British home.
Spanish girls.
French wine.
Italian food.
Belgian beer.
Austrian mountains.
Danish administration.

And this was the EC’s proposal for a Europe after EMU:

Czech salary.
Swedish taxes.
Spanish car.
Belgian home.
Greek girls.
German wine.
British food.
French beer.
Dutch mountains.
Italian administration.

Apparently, when we joined the EMU, the term ‘spending a penny’ was replaced
by ‘euronating’.

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogie in it!

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”

The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”

As they left the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman. How’d you come to your diagnosis so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick.”

“Huh,” the younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. I think I’ll try that at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she once did. “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”

“You’ve probably been doing too much work for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

As they left, the elder doc said, “Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?”

“Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing