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10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I’ll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. HMMMMMMMM….I think it’s out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It’s an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you’ll be getting off today?
1. It’s not fair…I do all the work while he just sits there!
One afternoon, Mother Superior called a meeting of the one hundred girls at the nunnery.”Ladies, this morning a pair of men’s pajamas were found in one of your beds.” Ninety nine nuns go “Oh!” and one nun goes “He He He.” Mother Superior continues, “In those pajamas was found a used condom.” Ninety nine nuns go “Oh!” and one nun goes “He He He”. Finally, Mother Superior reveals the worst part, “That condom had a hole in it ladies.” Ninety nine nuns go “He He He” and one nun goes “Oh!!”
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off. The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him. He says to his congregation, “All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand.” The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man. Then the preacher says even more loudly, “And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!” The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he’s the only one standing. Confused and embarrassed he says, “I don’t know what we’re voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!”
Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com
Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back
together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly
mother.
The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”
The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
The third said, “I’ve got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys reading the
Torah and you know she can’t see very well? I sent her a large brown parrot that
can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had
to pledge to contribute $1,000,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it.
Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.”
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. She wrote to the first
son, “Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I
have to clean the whole house.”
She wrote to the second son, “Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all
the time, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver is SO rude.”
She wrote to the third son, “Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the
good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.”
Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?
Because nurses are taught in nursing school to always look for her patient’s best side.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Va un polic�a persiguiendo a un ladr�n y lo pierde de vista. En eso ve a un borracho y le pregunta:
“�No vio a alguien doblar la esquina?”
“No, cuando llegu� ya estaba doblada”, responde con voz tartajosa el temulento.
A hillbilly shoots a turkey for dinner. After he and his family had
been eating awhile, the
man’s wife leaves the dinner table to go to the bathroom. When she
comes back, she
says,”When I took a dump, there were these little metal pellets in my
shit.” “Those must
be the pellets from the shotgun blast,” the hillbilly says, “everyone
watch out for those in
the turkey.” A few minutes later, the man’s daughter leaves for the
bathroom. When she
comes back, she says, “When I took a whiz, there were little round
things in my piss.”
“More shotgun pellets,” the man says, “everyone be careful.” Finally,
the man’s son heads
for the bathroom, but doesn’t come back for about ten minutes. He
comes back bloody,
crying, and screaming. “What’s wrong?!!” the man asks. “Dad!” the boy
cries, “I was
jerking off and I shot the dog!”
Jaimito que v� a sus padres desnudos y les pregunta:
“Pap�, �que es eso?”
“Nada, hijo un peine.”
“Mam�, �y eso?”
“Nada hijo tambi�n un peine.”
“�Pues el de pap� es de mejor calidad porque tiene mango!”
How can you tell when youre near a large group of Buddhists?
You can hear the silence(http://www.buddhabrilliant.com)
This man went into a night-club and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by her self at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said “Your really smell terrific. What’s that you have on?” The flattered girl told him it was Chanel #5. Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, “You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?””Well, I’ve got a hard on, but I didn’t think you could smell it,” the guy replied.
On my first Sunday at a new church a woman came out, shook my had and declared that I had preached a “Very warm sermon.”
I thanked her.
The next week, “You preached a warm sermon today,” she declared.
Again I thanked her, feeling very proud.
The same thing the third week, and the fourth, and the fifth.
On the sixth week she declared it to be a “Warm sermon” again and I said, “By the way, when you say I preache a warm sermon, what do you mean?
“Not so hot.” and she walked off
Estados Unidos y Colombia quer�an demostrar cu�l de los dos pa�ses era m�s fuerte y decidieron hacer una pelea entre perros para averiguarlo.
Estados Unidos lleva un perro Rottwailer muy musculoso y Colombia se presenta a la competencia con un perro Salchicha.
Cuando comienza la pelea, el Rottwailer es r�pidamente derrotado por el Salchicha colombiano. Entonces uno de los gringos exclama:
“Oh no, no puedo creer esto �Con toda la plata que le metimos a este perro en el entrenamiento y todo?”
Y el colombiano le contesta:
“�Y usted cu�nta plata cree que le metimos en cirug�as pl�sticas a ese cocodrilo?”