Category: other

The following are actual incidents reported…

#1
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn’t getting many. Then, he discovered the problem – a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read “RADAR TRAP AHEAD”. The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket full of change.

#2
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

#3
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen’s Ball.”

He replied, “Highway patrolmen don’t have balls.”

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he’d just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

A priest, a carpenter, and an army man all go up in a plane. The priest says lets all throw something out the window. So the priest starts by throwing a bible out the window. Then the carpenter throws a hammer out the window. Then the army man decides to throw a gernade out the window.

After they throw everything out window the priest goes down to see what happened. He goes up to a kid that is crying and asks him what happened. He says a bible fell down and hit him. Then the priest goes up to another kid thats crying and he asks what happend. The kid says a bible hit him. Then the priest goes up to an old man sitting in a lawn chair laughing and asks what happened.

The grandpa says I just farted and the building behind me blew up!

REAL STORY: A Cork Radio Station (in Ireland), 96 FM, was
running a competition to find contestants who could come up with
words that were not found in any English Dictionary, yet could
still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The
prize was a trip to Bali for a week.

The DJ, Neil, had many callers; the following two standing out:

DJ: 96FM, what’s your name
Caller: Hi, me name’s Dave
DJ: Dave, what is your word
Caller: Goan…..spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced ‘go-an’
DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct,
Dave, ‘goan’ is certainly a word not found in the English
Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali
is: What sentence can you use that word in that would make
logical sense?
Caller: “Goan fuck yourself”

At this point, the DJ cut the caller short and announced that
there is no place for that sort of language on a family show.

After many more unsuccessful calls, the DJ took the following
caller:

DJ: 96FM, what’s your name
Caller: Hi, me name’s Jeff
DJ: Jeff, what is your word
Caller: Smee…..spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’
DJ: We are checking that (pause) and you are correct, Jeff.
‘Smee’ is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary.
Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is: What
sentence can you use that word in that would make logical sense?
Caller: “Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!”

This little boy is visiting the zoo with his father. They stop to have a look at an elephant and the kid just stares at it in fascination. Eventually he asks his father, “Dad, what’s that thing hanging down?” “That’s the elephant’s trunk,” replies his father.”No, I mean at the other end.” “Oh, that’s the elephant’s penis.” “That’s funny,” mused the little boy, “Last time we were here, Mum told me it was nothing.””Well,” said the smiling father, “You have to remember that your mother is a very spoilt woman.”

Q: How do you get a nigger out of a tree?

A: You cut the rope!

What do you call black and white and black and white and black
and white and black and white and back?

a penguin rolling down a hill.

what do you call something black and white and laughing?

The penguin standing at hte top of htis hill laughing at the
penguin rollign down.

1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order,
using colorful expletives in ways which would
embarrass the patrons inside.
2. Drive through backwards.
3. Belch your order.
4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with
transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers
are unable to hear each other and, thus,
each raises his/her volume.
5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.
6. Walk through.
7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to).
When the manager comes to the mic,
speak English and inquire as to why
the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.
8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.
9. Attempt to take the order-takers order
(“Hi, may I take your order?”) before they get
a chance to take yours.
10. Order confusing items, i.e.,
“Hi, I’ll have a large orange Coke and
a small medium fries, please”.
11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order,
then slip out of line and watch the fun as
the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.
12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food,
hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they’ll
dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.
14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker
will think there is a problem with the speaker
and ask you to order at the window.
When you arrive at the window,
speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone.
When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at
their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone
speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their
own voice.
17. One word: Flatulence!
18. Have a friend hide in the trunk.
When you approach the window to pickup your order,
have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
19. If you are a male,
have a female friend place the order by speaking
VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker.
When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept
your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow
employees have been called over to the window to
“check out the babe”.
20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

A horny young man went to a brothel…The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.

Madam, “On the first floor, we have the ex-models… they are all slinky and sexy… On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses…they are all buxom and beautiful… On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers….they…”

Man, “Say no more! Lead me to the third floor.”

Madam, “Are you sure… I’m surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses.”

Man, “It’s obvious, ma’am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you’re perfect at it.”

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said, “Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older.”

“What do you mean?” asked the second guy.

“Well,” replied the first. “I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!”

“Healthier? How is that?” his buddy wondered.

“Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she’d get these terrible headaches” he answered. “Now that we’re older, she hasn’t had a headache in years.”

An Indian brave returns from a scouting trip and seeks out the Chief.”Chief, I have bad news, worse news and good news.”The Chief asks for the bad news first.Scout says, “No more buffalo on reservation, we kill last one today.”Chief asks for the worse news.Brave says, “Our land is being overrun by white men. They are coming by thethousands.”Finally the chief asks for the good news.The brave says, “Chief, the white men taste just like buffalo.”

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to
meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: ‘What would you do if
you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same
track?’

Tom says: ‘I would switch one train to another track.’

‘What if the lever broke?’ asks the inspector.

‘Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there’, answers
Tom.

‘What if that had been struck by lightning?’ challenges the inspector.

‘Then,’ Tom continued, ‘I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the
next signal box.’

‘What if the phone was busy?’

‘In that case,’ Tom argued, ‘I’d run to the street level and use the public
phone near the station’.

‘What if that had been vandalized?’

‘Oh well,’ said Tom, ‘In that case I would run into town and get my Uncle
Leo’.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, ‘Why would you do that?’

‘Because he’s never seen a train crash.’

Your mama cooks so bad, your family prays after they eat!