Category: other

One day 7 year old Pete’s grandma decides that Pete should go
and stay with his parents for a while. She calls a taxi and
tells Pete to get in. Then she goes round to the taxi driver and
says:

“Listen, I’m giving you the money now. Just drop him off where I
told you to. But be careful, he’s a witty little squirt, so
whatever he says, don’t answer him.”

The taxi driver says OK, and they go off.

After a few minutes, Pete gets bored. He leans forward towards
the cab driver and says: “You know whaaat, if my mommy was a
doctor and my daddy was a doctor, I’d be a doctor tooooooo.” The
driver doesn’t even look.

Then Pete says: “You know whaaat, if my mommy was a teacher and
my daddy was a teacher, I’d be a teacher toooooo.” The cab
driver silently clenchs his fists, but still holds himself.

But Pete says: “You know whaaat, if my mommy was a dentist and
my daddy was a dentist, I’d be a dentist tooooo.”

The driver, unable to hold himself, stops the cab, turns around
and shouts: “Well you little bastard, what’d you be if your
mommy was a bitch and your daddy was gay?”

“A taxi driver of course,” replies little Pete.

Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the
date back a little just to be funny.

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals – unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try”.

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle”

A Scottish man heads for home after spending the whole night in a bar
drinking. He was carrying his little Scotch bottle in the left shirt pocket just
in case. Suddenly, a robber appears and threatens him with a gun. The Scot gets
scared, and the attacker shoots, aiming towards his heart, and then runs away.
The Scot falls down, puts his hand on his left pocket and feels something wet.
He cries, ”Oh my God! I hope its blood!” ‘

A Bishop invited his three sons home for a midwinter get-together.

On the cold first morning of their stay, he stood warming himself at a roaring log fire as the first son, a Parson, appeared from bed.

“Good morning father”,said he.

“Good morning,son replied the Bishop,’Did you sleep well?”.

“Wonderful sleep, I dreamt I was in heaven”.

“Great!, Come and stand by the fire” said the Bishop.

“Good morning, son, did you sleep well?.”

He asked his second son, also a Parson.

“Marvelous, I dreamt I was an angel!”. And he went to stand in front of the fire. The third, a commercial traveller appeared.

“Good morning” said the Bishop, not so eagerly, “How was your night?.

“I dreamt I was in Hell” said he, And it was just like home- you couldn’t get near the fire for Parsons”.

Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, “I
have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your
wife?”
The guy answers, “Yes, I’ve never even looked at another women.”

St.Peter says, “See that Rolls-Royce over there? That’s your car to drive
while you’re in heaven.”

The second guy gets the same question, and answers, “Once I strayed, but I
confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out.”

St. Peter says, “See that new Buick over there, that’s your car to use in
heaven.”

The third guy answers the same question, “I have to admit, I’ve chased every
girl I saw, and was with a lot of women.”

St. Peter says, “Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug
over there is yours to use while you’re in heaven.

The three guys go off on their separate ways.

A few weeks later, guy #2 and guy #3 are driving along when they see guy #1’s
Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar and find guy
#1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in is hands on the
bar.

They come up to him and guy #2 says, “Bud, what could possibly be so
bad-you’re in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!”

He says, “I saw my wife today!”

The other two answers, “That’s great! What’s the problem?”

He answers, “She was riding a skateboard!”

Man on street asks women if she wanted to have sex. She replys back my house or yours? He replied back, if you want to argue about it forget it.

A seceratary was leaving the office when she saw the CEO standing in front of
the paper shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Excuse me.” said the CEO,
“This is a very important document.

Could you get this thing to work?” so the seceratary turned on the machine,
inserted the paper and pressed the start button and the paper went. “Great,”
said the CEO, “I just need one copy.”

The following are actual incidents reported…

#1
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn’t getting many. Then, he discovered the problem – a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read “RADAR TRAP AHEAD”. The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket full of change.

#2
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

#3
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen’s Ball.”

He replied, “Highway patrolmen don’t have balls.”

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he’d just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

My wife and I have all the secrets for making a marriage last:1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesday’s, I go Fridays.2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in Cincinnati.3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.7. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now.8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”10. Remember… Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.12. I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” … I said, ‘Dust!”

A priest, a carpenter, and an army man all go up in a plane. The priest says lets all throw something out the window. So the priest starts by throwing a bible out the window. Then the carpenter throws a hammer out the window. Then the army man decides to throw a gernade out the window.

After they throw everything out window the priest goes down to see what happened. He goes up to a kid that is crying and asks him what happened. He says a bible fell down and hit him. Then the priest goes up to another kid thats crying and he asks what happend. The kid says a bible hit him. Then the priest goes up to an old man sitting in a lawn chair laughing and asks what happened.

The grandpa says I just farted and the building behind me blew up!

REAL STORY: A Cork Radio Station (in Ireland), 96 FM, was
running a competition to find contestants who could come up with
words that were not found in any English Dictionary, yet could
still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The
prize was a trip to Bali for a week.

The DJ, Neil, had many callers; the following two standing out:

DJ: 96FM, what’s your name
Caller: Hi, me name’s Dave
DJ: Dave, what is your word
Caller: Goan…..spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced ‘go-an’
DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct,
Dave, ‘goan’ is certainly a word not found in the English
Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali
is: What sentence can you use that word in that would make
logical sense?
Caller: “Goan fuck yourself”

At this point, the DJ cut the caller short and announced that
there is no place for that sort of language on a family show.

After many more unsuccessful calls, the DJ took the following
caller:

DJ: 96FM, what’s your name
Caller: Hi, me name’s Jeff
DJ: Jeff, what is your word
Caller: Smee…..spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’
DJ: We are checking that (pause) and you are correct, Jeff.
‘Smee’ is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary.
Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is: What
sentence can you use that word in that would make logical sense?
Caller: “Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!”