Category: other

Jerry is excited that he’s been hired to play his trumpet for a movie score.

After the sessions, which go beautifully, Jerry can’t wait to see the finished product.

A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porn flick that will be out in a month.

A month later, Jerry, with his jacket collar up and wearing dark glasses, goes to see the film.

He sits in the back next to an elderly couple who also seem to be wearing disguises.

The movie starts, and it is the filthiest, most perverse porn flick ever, group sex, S&M, golden showers and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action.

The dog has sex with all the women and most of the men.

Embarrassed, Jerry turns to the old couple and whispers, “I’m only here for the music.

The old woman turns to Jerry and whispers back, “That’s OK, we’re just here to see our dog.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

An American tourist went to a restaurant in a Spanish town and asked for the specialty of the house.

When the dish arrived, he asked ,what kind of meat the pot-pie contained?

The waiter replied, “They are, how you say, testicles of the bull killed in the Rincon today. We call them Cojones.”

The tourist found the dish delicious, and after some wine, decided he would come back within 2 days.

On his return, he asked for the same dish.

“But these Cajones are much smaller than the ones I had 2 days ago.” said the tourist.

“True, Senior, but the bull, he does not always lose.”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

MEGA MORON AWARDS Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle’s license plate still attached to the bumper.

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.” The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.” The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.” Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.” The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly says, “Riding a bike.”

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, “My bike!”

Seems that when the Lord was creating the world, He called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was absolutely horrified…”Only twenty years of normal sex life?” Yet, the Lord was adamant and insisted that Man could have no more than twenty years of normal sex life.Then, the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years.”But, I don’t need twenty years, “protested the monkey.”Ten years is plenty for me.”Man spoke up eagerly, “Can I have the other ten years?” The monkey graciously agreed.Then, the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years. The lion, like the monkey, only wanted ten years.Again, man spoke up, “can I have the other ten years?” The lion graciously agreed.Then, along came a donkey and he too was given twenty years. But, like the others, ten years was more than sufficient. Once again, man pleaded, “can I have the other ten years?”And so, it all makes perfect sense now… Man has twenty years of normal sex life, ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an ass of himself.

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, “Is there a problem, Officer?””No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you’re going to do with the money?”He thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that drivers’ license.”The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, “Oh, don’t pay attention to him – he’s a smart-ass when he’s drunk and stoned.”The guy from the back seat said, “I TOLD you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!”At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”

The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”

“OK, Sweetheart, putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’.

So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey, the prisoner seems to have escaped.”

Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes.

But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”

Limply turning his head, He yells at her, “Hey, it’s not life imprisonment!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
“Fish”

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Megasorass.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

What’s the difference between a black and a white fairy tale?

A white one starts off with “Once upon a time…”.

A black one starts off with “Yo ass ain’t gonna believe dis shit…”

Mrs. Jammer, shopping in the supermarket, went from counter to counter humming and singing to herself.”You seem to be very happy,” remarked the clerk.”I have every reason to be,” replied Mrs. Jammer.”I’ve got a beautiful home, two lovely children, a nice bank account, my husband’s life is insured for $450,000… …and his health is far from robust.”

Entra un tipo al consultorio del psiquiatra, mir�ndolo de arriba abajo:

“Doctor, tengo complejo de superioridad”.

“No se preocupe, amigo, yo lo voy a curar…”

“�Pero qu� me va a curar usted, in�til!”