Cowboy?

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and
chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his
whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink
she turned to the cowboy and asked him, “Are you a real cowboy?” He
replied, “Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows,
breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am.”

After a short time the Cowboy asked the girl, “… and what are you”? She
replied, “I’ve never been on a ranch so I’m not a cowboy, but I am a
lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in
the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything
seems to make me think of women.”

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A
couple sat down next to him and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”; To which
he replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a
lesbian.”

Mickey D’s #2

More shit you hate about working at Mickey D’s:

People who pay for their food, and then decide they want no onions.

People who can’t see condiments right in front of them, and ask you for them.

People who stare at you while you make their sandwich, as if your going to spit in it.

People who want FRESH fries, they’re only fresh for about ten seconds.

People who ask for a water at the second window while your wrapped around the building.

People who get a water, and then get a friggin drink right in front of you. Come on retards, we’re watching you.

People who think they can pay for their order with a fuckin check.

People who can’t accept the fact that we don’t like you.

People who leave they’re god damn trays on their god damn table. I AM NOT YOUR MAMA, SO PICK UP YOUR OWN SHIT!

People who can’t take the liner out of their trays. Come on people, give us some help.

People who wish to speak to the manager, and get mad when we ask which one they would like to talk to.

People who think we have a 99 cent menu, it a god damn dollar menu bithces!

People who ask for something that we haven’t had in months.

People who ask for a sandwich with no meat, it’s kind of a waste of our time.

People who don’t understand the concept of late night menu.

People who ask for breakfast shit in the middle of the day.

People who actually stand outside our doors when beat on the door, hoping to come in a use the bathroom. You’re not getting it!!!

People who order shit from other stores. We don’t have Whoppers or Tacos.

People who prank phone call us in the middle of a business rush.

People who don’t have enough money, and pull off without their shit.

People who can’t wait in line long enough to get their shit, and pull off.

People who actually wait at the entrance, because its so packed, for more than ten minutes, just for some of our food.

More to come

Definitivamente no hay derecho a

Definitivamente no hay derecho a tanto sufrimiento: �EXIGIMOS EL D�A DEL HOMBRE!

�Qui�n es el �nico que se atreve a comerse todo lo que le sirvan (o se le atreviese) sin chistar?: El abnegado hombre.

�Qui�n levanta los pies cuando est�n haciendo aseo?: El considerado hombre.

�Qui�n es el que va vestido de negro al matrimonio?: El est�pido hombre.

�Qui�n es el que se expone a una laringitis aguda por estar gritando cada vez que llega a la casa?: El dulce hombre.

�Qui�n es el que se expone a una �lcera de la rabia, cuando al llegar a casa no encuentra el aseo hecho, la comida caliente, los ni�os cambiados, la ropa lavada y planchada, la cocina limpia, los recibos de los servicios en la mesa y, encima, encuentra a la mujer en rulos?: El incomprendido hombre.

�Qui�n es el que se lastima los nudillos cada vez que reprende a la esposa?: El tierno hombre.

�A qui�n es al que le toca exponerse a que lo roben o apu�alen en un bar de mala muerte y amanecer en un duro anden, cada vez que sale a esas sanas reuniones nocturnas con sus amigos, mientras la otra est� dormidota en la camita bajo techo?: Al desprotegido hombre.

�Qui�n es el que, a pesar del cansancio y el estr�s, jam�s podr� fingir un orgasmo?: El sincero hombre.

�A qui�n le toca trabajar para pagar un mont�n de plata del recibo de la luz, porque la desconsiderada de la casa no hace sino planchar, aspirar, brillar y lavar, por lo menos nueve horas diarias?: Al paganini del hombre.

�Qui�n tiene que matar las cucarachas y ratones de la casa porque a la Alteza le da pavor?: El valiente hombre.

�A qui�n es al que se la montan cuando llega con colorete en la camisa?: Al incomprendido hombre (�acaso uno no puede tener un amigo que trabaje de payaso?).

�Qui�n manda en la casa?: La suegra, la mujer, los cu�ados, la empleada, el perro y hasta la vecina del abrumado hombre.

�Qui�nes tienen que aguantarse las ganas de llorar?: Nosotros los machos no lloramos.

�Qui�n es el que tiene que gastar considerables sumas de dinero en regalos para el d�a de la madre, la mujer, la secretaria, la amistad, san Valent�n, Navidad, cumplea�os, aniversarios y dem�s fiestas inventadas por el hombre para satisfacer a la mujer?: Adivinen…

�Qui�n nunca lleva la contraria, jam�s pide que le repitan una pregunta, y se viste en menos de diez minutos?: El �gil hombre.

�Qui�n llega inocente y puro al matrimonio?: Sin duda alguna, el hombre (nadie comete matrimonio con conocimiento de causa).

�Qui�nes est�n leyendo esto a escondidas para poderse re�r, ya que si son sorprendidos se exponen a un severo garrotazo?: Los cohibidos hombres.

�Qui�n jam�s podr� decir una mentira?: Los sinceros hombres (somos inocentes hasta que se nos demuestre lo contrario).

�Qui�n tiene que aguantarse las t�picas escenitas de: �Ya no eres el mismo! �No me vas a salir esta noche con que est�s cansado? �Ese pelo no es m�o! �Me voy para donde mi mam�!?: El resignado hombre.

La lista de razones que ratifican el derecho del hombre a tener un d�a especial para �l (diferente al d�a del trabajo), es infinita.

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

1. A day without sunshine is like, night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
4. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember: half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it
remains?
13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. Eagles may soar, but dogs don’t get sucked into jet engines.
17. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese.
18. I intend to live forever — so far so good.
19. Borrow money from a pessimist — they don’t expect it back.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her
friends?
21. The only substitue for good manners is fast reflexes.
22. Support bacteria — it’s the only culture some people have.
23. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane
and going the wrong way.
24. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.
25. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
26. Experience is something you don’t get until after you need
it.
27. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
28. Bills travel though the mail at twice the speed of checks.
29. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
30. Realize that no matter what you do, the grocery store
check-out line you’re in will always take the longest.
31. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
32. Anything you buy will go on sale the next day.
33. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
34. The colder the x-ray table the more of you body is required
on it.
35. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the
softness of the bread.
36. The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to your
ability to reach it.
37. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
many is research.
38. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
39. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
40. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
41. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
42. The sooner you fall behine the more time you’ll have to
catch up.
43. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
44. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
45. Get a new car for you spouse — it’ll be a great trade!
46. Plan to be spontaneous — tomorrow.
47. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
48. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
49. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
50. If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

I'm Suffering, D

The man told his doctor he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what’s wrong with me.””Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “You’re just a plain old lazy fart.””Thank You.” said the man.”Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!”

Generous Donation

An Internal Revenue inspector walks into a synagogue and asks to see the rabbi. He is shown to the rabbi’s office and is offered a seat.”Rabbi, A member of your synagogue, Mr. Klutzberg, states on his tax return that he has donated $100,000 to the synagogue. Tell me, Rabbi, is this correct?””Yes,” The Rabbi replies “As soon as I see him it will be.”

Game show

Jane was a first time contestant on a $65,000 quiz show. Lady Luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show’s host could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. She was nervous as her husband drove them home.

‘I’ve just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers were. You know I’m not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.’

‘Relax honey,’ her husband, Roger, reassured her. ‘It will all be OK.’

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.

‘Where are you going?’ Jane asked.

‘I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon.’

After an agonizing three hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin.

‘Honey, I managed to get tomorrow’s question and answer.’

‘What is it?’ she cried excitedly.

‘OK, the question is, “What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?”

And the answer is, “The head, the heart and the penis.”‘

The couple went to sleep with Jane now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber. At 3.30 am, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.

‘The head, the heart, the penis,’ Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

Roger asked her again in the morning as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again she replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies.

The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous day’s events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

‘Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds.’

‘Hmmm, uhm, the head? She said nervously.

‘Very good. Six seconds.’

‘Eh, uh, the heart?

‘Very good. Four seconds.’

‘I, uhh, ooooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last
night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning… ‘

‘That’s close enough,’ said the game show host, ‘Congratulations!’

Iraqi Ladies

A black man enters a bar with his gorilla. He says to the bartender, “I would like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here.”

The bartender looks at him like he’s nuts and says, ” I�m sorry but I don’t serve Gorillas in this bar.”

The man has an idea. He takes his girlfriend home and shaves her head, gives her a wig, dress, and makeup.

Then he returns to the same bar. He places the same order and this time the bar tender gives it to them.

They go and sit in a corner while the bartender turns to his friend and says, “Damn! Did you ever notice how all the good looking Iraqi ladies that come in here, always seem to be with black men.