Category: other

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?”, he asked one man.

“We don’t have any money for food.”, The poor man replied.

“Oh, come along with me then.”

“But sir, I have a wife with two children!”

“Bring them along! And you, come with us too!”, he said to the other man.

“But sir, I have a wife with six children!”

The second man answered. “Bring them as well!”

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The rich man replied “No, you don’t understand, the grass at my home is about two metres tall!”

Una anciana va a la penitenciar�a el d�a de visita y dice:

“Vengo a la visita conyugal”.

“��Usted?! �Pero con qui�n?”, pregunta asombrado el oficial.

“No importa. Con quien sea, usted p�seme”.

As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. That does it, he decided. I’m going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted. There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman’s doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, “Why, God, why now? After all I’ve been through, how could you do this to me?” From up above, there came a voice, “Sorry. I didn’t not recoginize you.”

There was a Scotsman and was horny as hell and he saw this dog next to a lake, so he tries to screw it, but it squirms and moves. During all of this, he sees something in the water and goes to check it out, and it turns out to be a hot British blonde who is drowning. He saves her, and after she regains consciousness, she says, “Thank you for saving me. I’ll do anything for you, anything… (rubbing her butt naked chest) And I mean ANYTHING!”

The Scotsman thinks for a minute, and replies, “Ok. Can ya hold this dog still for a minute so I can screw it?”

jokes

Un jud�o, con la mejor de las intenciones, hab�a enviado a su hijo al colegio m�s caro de la colectividad jud�a: el Tarbut. Pese a sus intentos, Samuel no daba “pie con bola”.

Bolet�n del primer mes:

Matem�ticas: 2
Geograf�a: 6
Historia: 4
Literatura: 2
Conducta: 0

Esas p�simas calificaciones se repet�an mes a mes hasta que el pap� se cans�:

“Samuel, esc�chame bien lo que te voy a decir: si el pr�ximo mes tus calificaciones y tu comportamiento no mejoran, voy a tener que pasar por la verg�enza de tener que mandarte a estudiar a un colegio cat�lico”.

Al mes siguiente las notas de Samuel fueron una tragedia s�lo comparable al hundimiento del Titanic. El padre cumpli� con su palabra; a trav�s de un rabino cercano a su familia se contact� con un obispo que le recomend� un buen colegio de sacerdotes franciscanos, a donde Samuel fue enviado.

Bolet�n del primer mes:

Matem�ticas: 9
Geograf�a: 8
Historia: 9
Literatura: 10
Conducta: 10

Segundo bolet�n:

Matem�ticas: 10
Geograf�a: 9
Historia: 10
Literatura: 10
Conducta: 10

Un d�a, el padre le pregunta:

“Samuel, estoy muy satisfecho de que te vaya tan bien en la escuela. �C�mo ha sucedido este milagro?”

“Lo que pasa, es que despu�s de que me presentaron a todos los compa�eros y profesores fuimos a la iglesia. Cuando entr�, vi a un se�or crucificado, con clavos en las manos y en los pies, todo ensangrentado y con cara de haber sufrido mucho. Pregunte qui�n era �se, y me respondi� un alumno de los cursos superiores: �se era un jud�o igual que t�. Entonces me dije: En este colegio no se andan con tonter�as…”.

This quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not you are
qualified to be a professional.

There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just
need to think like a professional.
1.How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
2.How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
3.The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except
one. Which animal does not attend?
4.There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it?
SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS.

Answers
1.Open the refrigerator put in the giraffe and closes the door. This question
tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.
2.Open the refrigerator remove the giraffe and put in the elephant and close
the door. This question tests your foresight.
3.The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are
capable of comprehensive thinking. Okay, if you did not answer the last three
questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your
qualifications to be a professional.
4.Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting!
This question tests your reasoning ability.
If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a true
professional. Wealth and success await you. If you answered three out of four,
you have some catching up to do but there’s hope for you. If you answered two
out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint. If
you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It’s the only way
you will ever make any money. If you answered none correctly, consider a career
that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as law or
politics.

A very attractive, well dressed, woman walks into a shop that
sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and finds
the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to feel the texture of the rug, she farts
loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if
anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a salesperson
doesn’t pop up right now.

As she turns back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman.
“Good day Miss, how may we help you today?”

Very uncomfortably she asks, “Sir, how much does this rug costs?”

He answers, “Lady, if you farted just touching it, you’re gonna
shit your pants when you hear what the price is!”

How do you get a hundred cows in a barn?
You hang up a bingo sign!

there were three guys in an airplane. One was an army guy, the other was a priest, and the other one was a weight lifter. The plane was falling, so the pilot asked them each to throw something off. the army guy threw off a grenade, the priest threw off a bible, and the weight lifter threw off a weight. The plane was still falling so they all jumped off. The three of them were walking when they saw an old lady crying. They asked her why she was crying and she said she got hit in the head with a weight. they all left feeling sorry. Then they saw a man crying. they asked him why he was crying and he said he got hit in the head with a bible. this time they felt a little worried, but nonetheless they kept walking. this time they saw a little kid laughing really hard. they asked him why he was laughing, and he said he farted and his house blew up.

Judi goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about
all his employees well being asked sympathetically, “What’s the matter?” To
which the blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my
mother had passed away.” The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to
the young girl. “Why don’t you go home for the day… we aren’t terribly busy
just take the day off to relax and rest.” Judi very calmly states, “No.. I’d be
better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of
doing that here.” The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual… “If you
need anything just let me know.” A few hours pass and the boss decides to check
on Judi. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically. He rushes out
to her asking, “What’s so bad now? Are you going to be ok? What’s wrong?” Judi
breaks down in tears, “I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said
that *her* mom died too!!”

�Qu� animal pesa 700 kilos por la ma�ana, 300 al mediod�a y 7 en la noche?

La mujer, porque al levantarse su marido le dice “apartate vaca”, al medio d�a le dice “vamos a ver que hizo la cerda de mi mujer de almuerzo” y por la noche no para de decir “ven ac� conejito”.

What do bungee jumping and sex with a prostitute have in common?

They both cost about $100.

They both last about 30 seconds.

And in both cases, if the rubber breaks, you’re a dead man.