Category: other

Mike Tyson and OJ head to the Vatican to meet the pope and get absolved of all of their sins. While waiting for the pope to arrive Mike is eating nuts and throwing the shells on the floor. OJ gets a little agitated and decides to go for a stroll.

He comes back to find the Pope standing in front of Mike giving him the sign of the cross, ( Up – Down – Left and right).

OJ runs up to Mike and says – “Did the Pope bless you and forgive you for your sins???”

Mike replies – “No, he said – ‘You (Up) pick up those nuts (Down), get that Nigger (Left) and get the fuck out (Right).

The joke sounds alot better if you can make the sign of the cross to the person you are telling the joke to.

En la calle, un oficial de tr�nsito sigue a un tipo que va manejando estupendamente su auto. Cuando lo alcanza, en una luz roja, ve que son tres sujetos y le se�ala al chofer:

“�Caramba, amigo, maneja usted muy bien! En la comandancia ofrecen un premio en efectivo a la persona que mejor maneje en esta ciudad y usted es el ganador. �Qu� va hacer con su dinero?”

“Pues voy a sacar mi licencia de manejo”.

“No le haga caso, oficial, es que est� borracho”, asegura el copiloto.

“�Ya ven, yo les dije que no era buena idea robarnos este auto!”, reclama el de atr�s.

Seen the week before finals on the chalkboard right after a Math 233 (Discrete Math) class at the University of Oregon: 59 + 34 + 2 + 37 + 97 = some number And here I thought math classes were hard….

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?”

The other boy replied, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s probably just your dad!”

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room
with only a table and two hairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any
instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information
Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they’re destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them
into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public
Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents
team.

If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

There was a mexican that had just came to America. He did not know any english what so ever. Well the very first night he was in the USA he went to an opera. The lady was singing “me, me, me, me”. The mexican remebered that. Then he went to a restraunt and rembered the waiter asking him if he wanted some forks and knives. Then when he went home he seen the glade comercial and remembers it saying “plug it in, plug it in”. The next day a cop came to his door and told him that his neighbor had been stabbed to death. The cop asked if he knew he killed him and he said “me, me, me, me”. The cop said” well what did you kill him with?” The mexican said “forks and knives, forks and knives”. The cop took him to jail and sentenced him to the death penalty. When the mexican was sitting in the electric chair the man doing the procedure asked him if he had any last words. The mexican thought for a little bit and said “plug it in, plug it in”

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony. Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says “I’m going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy.” Not to be outdone, Britney ripped $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, “Look, I just made two people really happy.”Not even noticing Britney’s stupid move, Christina bragged, “Look, I’m going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier.” At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can’t stand it anymore, comes out and says, “I think I’ll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.”

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?”, he asked one man.

“We don’t have any money for food.”, The poor man replied.

“Oh, come along with me then.”

“But sir, I have a wife with two children!”

“Bring them along! And you, come with us too!”, he said to the other man.

“But sir, I have a wife with six children!”

The second man answered. “Bring them as well!”

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The rich man replied “No, you don’t understand, the grass at my home is about two metres tall!”

As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. That does it, he decided. I’m going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted. There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman’s doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, “Why, God, why now? After all I’ve been through, how could you do this to me?” From up above, there came a voice, “Sorry. I didn’t not recoginize you.”

Una anciana va a la penitenciar�a el d�a de visita y dice:

“Vengo a la visita conyugal”.

“��Usted?! �Pero con qui�n?”, pregunta asombrado el oficial.

“No importa. Con quien sea, usted p�seme”.

There was a Scotsman and was horny as hell and he saw this dog next to a lake, so he tries to screw it, but it squirms and moves. During all of this, he sees something in the water and goes to check it out, and it turns out to be a hot British blonde who is drowning. He saves her, and after she regains consciousness, she says, “Thank you for saving me. I’ll do anything for you, anything… (rubbing her butt naked chest) And I mean ANYTHING!”

The Scotsman thinks for a minute, and replies, “Ok. Can ya hold this dog still for a minute so I can screw it?”

jokes