Category: bar & drinking

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says, “I play with mouse traps for fun. I’ll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times.” And with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, “That’s nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it.”

And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, “Where the hell are you going?”

The third mouse stops and replies, “I’m going home to fuck the cat.”

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off!”

“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.

“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”

“Gee, that’s tough!” commiserated the bartender.

“Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated,” the customer went on.

“When her husband came into the room he said, ‘Hey great! You’re naked already! Let me just take a leak.’ And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head.”

“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head. “No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”

“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me.”

“Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!”

“Damn, that really is a drag!” says the bartender.

“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!”

The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” the fellow rattled on, “but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

was in a bar when i met up with an old pal from school i said crikey you put on some weight… he replied its ever since my dad died … i said what did you do eat him!

1. “You get this one, next round is on me.”
(We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)
2. “I’ll get this one, next one is on you.”
(Happy hour is about to end…drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.)

3. “Hey, where is that friend of yours?”
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

4. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (female)
(I’m easy.)

5. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (male)
(I’m gay.)

6. “Ever try a body shot?” (male to female)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

7. “Ever try a body shot?” (female to male)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?)

8. “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (female)
(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

9. I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (male)
(I’m horny.)

10. “Who’s got the next round?”
(I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

11. “Excuse Me.” (male to male)
(Get the hell out of the way.)

12. “Excuse Me.” (male to female)
(I am going to grope you now.) (Editor’s Note – one of my personal favorites)

13. “Excuse Me.” (female to male)
(Don’t even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)

14. “Excuse Me.” (female to female)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho… Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)

15. “What do you have on tap?”
(What’s cheap?)

16. “Can I have a white Russian?” (male)
(I’m *really* gay.)

17. “Can I have a white Russian?” (female)
(I’m *really* easy.)

18. “That person looks really familiar.”
(Did I sleep with him/her?)

19. Can I just get a glass of water?” (female)
(I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

20. I don’t have my ID on me.” (female)
(I’m 19.)

21. “I don’t have my ID on me.” (male)
(I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here)

What do you call a blonde in the bottom of a swimming pool?

An Air Pocket!

yo mamma is so old she has a social seceritey number of 0

theres a scotish man a english man and a irish man.They go treasure hunting in a cave and find a multicoloured slide.The scotish man goes down it and he sees gold at the bottom of it so he shouts gold and lands in a pile of gold.The english man goes down and sees silver and shouts silver and lands in a pile of silver. the irish man goes down and he is a real scardy cat so he shouts sh.t aqn lands in a pile of sh.t

There were these three brothers that were very close to each other. The brothers always went to a local bar on every Friday at 5:30 on the dot.
When the brothers got married they all got married to their wifes to be on the same day and at the same place.

When the brothers moved away from each other to go on with their lives with their new wife, they all promised each other that they would still go to the bar every friday at 5:30 and drink for each other.

On the first Friday that the brothers were separated, the first brother went to a local bar and ordered three drinks. He took one sip from the first glass the took one sip from the second glass then from the third. He did this until all the beer was gone, then he paid the bartender and went home.

This kept up for about three week before the bartender finally asked why he did that. The guy explained about the promise that he had with his brothers. The bartender said that he thought that was a very good promise to keep with each other.

One day the same guy came in and asked for only two glasses of beer. The bartender thinking something awful has happened, said “I am awfully sorry about your brother.”

The guy not knowing anything about what the bartender was talking about said “What happened to him?” The bartender said that when he only ordered two drinks instead of three he thought that something awful had happened.

The brother then said “No, nothing happened to my brother, I just decided to give up alcohol.”

15> “All right, who’s the smartass who replaced the French onion dip with Wite-Out?”

14> “So I said to myself, ‘Jell-O mold — moldy Jell-O… who’s gonna know the difference?'”

13> “A Chia Pet instead of a cash bonus! How creative of you, sir.”

12> “Hey, did you remember to let the boss out of that rat hole outside of Tikrit?”
“Me? I thought *you* were supposed to!”

11> “Hey, baby, wanna be today’s guest of honor in my blog?”

10> “I know it’s a photocopy of Jenkins’s buttocks, but you’ve got to admit, it does look like Santa.”

9> “*There’s* a holiday scene for you: Rudolph the Brown-Nosed Reindeer sitting at the table with VP Little Dumber Boy.”

8> “I forgot the party was tonight, until I realized that the entire IT department smells like Old Spice.”

7> “So he crosses out the ‘A451,’ writes ‘A578’ at the top, and tries to resubmit it! Can you believe that guy? An A451! Hahahahaha!”

6> “Sorry Boss, you know the rule: no bonus, no oral favors.”

5> “Take your clothes off, men — time to go skinny-dipping in the secretarial pool!”

4> “I remember the old days when we’d just photocopy our asses. Now, we have to out-source it to a graphics company so they can touch it up before IT posts it to the corporate Web site.”

3> “Don’t crash the Halliburton party next door — they’re asking 24 bucks for a Bud Light.”

2> “He’s your Secret Santa? Be careful. It took six prescriptions to get rid what he gave me last year.”

1> “You’re the boss’ wife? What a coincidence — I’m his bitch.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and asks the bartender if he’d pay the guy $20 if he could show him the most amazing thing in his life. The bartender agrees, and the man pulls out a small white mouse and a tiny piano. The mouse starts to play old man river on the piano.
The bartender isn’t quite amazed yet.

So, the man pulls out a bullfrog, who starts singing along to the mouse’s playing.

The bartender admits that that is the most amazing thing he’s ever seen, and gives the guy his $20.

Another guy sitting next to the man sees the frog and says “Wow, I will give you a thousand dollars right now for that frog!”

The man agrees, and sells him the frog.

After the man who bought the frog leaves, the bartender sez, “Man, you must be insane. That frog could have made you a fortune.”

The man says, “Not really, the mouse is a ventroliquist too.”

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.She looks the man up and down and says, “I’ve got news for you. You’re going straight to hell!”The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, “Man, I’m on the wrong bus!”

Three strings walked by a bar and noticed a sign outside it that said “NO STRINGS ALLOWED.” Indignant at the discrimination the first string decided to go in and order a drink. The bartender said “Can’t your read?” and when the string refused to leave he picked it up and tossed it out the door. The second string tried the same thing and when it also refused to leave the bartender punched it and threw it out the door as well. The third string thought for a few seconds, then scraped itself along the sidewalk harshly until it was ragged all over. Then it twisted itself inside out and around and around until its middle was all in a bunch. Then it entered the bar, got up on a stool and ordered a martini. “Say,” asked the bartender suspiciously, “aren’t you the string I just threw out of here?” ‘Fraid not,” replied the string.