Category: bar & drinking

Due to increasing products liability litigation alcohol manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all alcohol containers: => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a w**ker. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause you to shay shings like thish. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may think you can converse logically with members of the opposite sex without spitting. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species or name you cannot remember). => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome and smarter than some really, really big guy named Dave. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe fat, ugly people are slim and attractive. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing WITH you. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time seem to literally disappear.

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby
woman. She takes one look at him.
”You, sir, are drunk!”
”And you ma’am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!”

A piece of balogna walked into a bar, he asks for a drink. The bartender replies, “We don’t serve food here.”

yo mom is fat her crack is the grandcayon

A white horse walks into a bar, and the barman sees the horse and says: “Hey, we have a whiskey here named after you!” The horse then says: “What? ‘Eric?'”

A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar.
He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender’ man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!’ and orders a mug of beer.

He gets a pitcher of beer and asks the bartender, ‘man, I heard that things are big down here in Texasm but this is ridiculas!’ and goes about drinking his beer. He orders another and he gets really pissed drunk.

Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender, ‘Where is your washroom???’ The bartender says, down the hall, second door on the right.’

So the man climbs off the stool and stumbles down the hall and enters the second door to the left and falls in this huge swimming pool.

The man is struggling to stay afloat and screams ‘DON’T FLUSH IT!!!

A ventriloquist had just finished his polack joke routine when a huge, drunk polack confronted him, ”I’m sick of your polack jokes and I’m going to knock the shit out of you.” ”I’m sorry, it was all in good fun,” replied the comedian. The polack retorted, ”I was talking to little asshole on your knee.”

There once was a 60 year old woman who suddenly developed a terrible itch in her private area. Not knowing what was wrong she went to her docter.

“doctor” she said “help i have a terrible itch in my private area, im a virgin and i cant figure out what is wrong with me.”

The doctor told the woman she most likely had crabs.

“how can this be?” the woman said “i am a virgin, i have never been with a man.”

she left and went to another doctor for a second opinion. this time she went to a very old and very wise doctor.

“doctor” she said “help i have a terrible itch in my private area, im a virgin and i cant figure out what is wrong with me.”

again the doctor told her she may have crabs

“how can this be?” the woman said “i am a virgin, i have never been with a man.”

the old wise doctor took a look and looking up at the old woman said “well i hate to tell you this but it looks as if your cherry has rotted and you have fruit flys.”

Q: Four gay men walk in a bar to
have beer they find only on chair. What do they do to all sit down?

A: They turn the chair upside down and sit on the legs.

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed “Now cut that out! I warned you!” and threw the group out of the bar. The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, “If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”

HI My NAME IS LACEY AND THIS IS A FUNNY joke!!

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench, and orders a cold one. He swigs
down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and Orders another. He gulps down
that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This
goes on for at Least an hour and a half.
Finally the bartender, bursting with curiosity, says, “I know it’s none of my
business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the Whole “drink, look in pocket, cringe,
and order another one” routine?”

“Well,” slurred the man, “There’s a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she
starts to look good, then it’s time for me to Go home.”