Category: bar & drinking

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, “Give me six double vodka.”

The barman says, “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

“Yeah, my wife!”

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says “So where are you from, then?””I’m from Ireland.””Me too! I’ll drink to that.”They both finish their pints and order two more.”Where in Ireland are you from?””Dublin.””Me too! I’ll drink to that.”They both finish their pints and order two more. “Where in Dublin are you from?””The East Side.””The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I’ll drink to that!” They both finish their pints and order two more.”Where on the East Side are you from?””McDonagh Street.””Me too! This is incredible! I’ll drink to that.”As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, “That’s amazing! I can’t believe they’re from the same street in Dublin. What’s going on?””Oh, it’s nothing amazing,” says the bartender,”it’s just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again.”

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle’s one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks:
“What’s wrong with your turtle?”

“Not a thing,” the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!”
“Not a chance!”, replies the barkeep.

“Okay then, says the guy… you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I’ll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.”

So the bartender, thinking it’s an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says –

“I WIN… Told you it’ll be there before your dog!”

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down their local bar, when one said to the other, “If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?”

“Yeah, sure thing,” replied his friend, “Fire away.”

“Well,” said the first guy, “Why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?”

“It’s probably because of her speech impediment,” replied the second guy.

“What do you mean her speech impediment?” inquired the first fellow, “My wife doesn’t have a speech impediment!”

“Well,” replied his friend, “You must be the only guy who hasn’t noticed that she can’t say NO!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

A marine is sitting at the bar and a striking redhead sits down next to him. He gives her a cursory look, smiles and continues to nurse his beer. Five minutes later he glances at his watch and the redhead – wondering why she had not been hit upon – asked, “Are you waiting for your girlfriend!” “No,” he responded. “This is not merely a watch. It is a sensory pickup and I can tell things about other people, like …. well, the fact that you’re not wearing panties!” The redhead smiled and said, “Well, you had best get it fixed because I am wearing panties!” The marine looked at his watch and replied, “Hmmmm! It seems to be running about an hour fast!”

ur mommas so fat that when she sits down shes 3 ft taller

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?” The guy
answers, “A scotch, please.” The bartender hands him the drink, and says
“That’ll be five dollars�, to which the guy replies, “What are you talking
about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the
bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which
constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of
remuneration.”

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a
drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are
you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”

The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my
life!” The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must
have a double.”

To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”

never kiss behind the garden
love mite be blind but the neighbours aint.

your momas so fat she lays her shirt out to dry on the drive way

gfhghgh

Due to increasing products liability litigation alcohol manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all alcohol containers: => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a w**ker. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause you to shay shings like thish. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may think you can converse logically with members of the opposite sex without spitting. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species or name you cannot remember). => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome and smarter than some really, really big guy named Dave. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe fat, ugly people are slim and attractive. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing WITH you. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time seem to literally disappear.

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby
woman. She takes one look at him.
”You, sir, are drunk!”
”And you ma’am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!”