Category: bar & drinking

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, ‘Can your dog perform other tricks?’. ‘But of course’, the man answers, ‘he can even gratify a woman’. Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dog looks at her and does nothing. ‘It’s always the same thing with you!’, the man then shouts at the dog, ‘Ok, I’ll show you how to do this one last time’.

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.”Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small,” he says. The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.”Well, American beer,” he replies quite bemused.”Aaaahhh. There’s your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers… you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow.”Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.”I take it you now drink Guinness?”asked the doctor.”Oh no, Doc,” replies the man, “but I’ve got the wife on American beer!”

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, “Would you like to dance?”

The girl says, “I don’t like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn’t dance
with you�.

The guy says, “I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat
in those pants�.

There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, “can I help you”?
The duck said, “quack quack quack got any raisons?”

The bartender said, “NO! This is a bar and we dont sell raisons.”

The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool!

The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him?

The duck said, “quack quack quack got any raisons?”

The bartender said, “NO this is a BAR we dont sell raisons!”

So the duck walked out again and left. He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again!

The duck yelled at the bartender, “quack quack quack got any raisons?”

The bartender said, “NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there.”

The duck said, “ok”, and left.

The next day came and sure enuf the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door. He said, “quack quack got any nails?”

The bartender replied, “No!!”

The duck said GOOD, then ya got any raisons?

Two drunks are at a bar, drinking up a storm.

One drunk says to the other drunk, �Did you sleep with my wife last night?�

To which the other drunk replies, �Not a wink�.

yo momma so ugly wrestle mania gave her a sign up contract just for taking photos

JOKE

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLIND DINISOURE???

ANSWER

DO THINK HE SAW US!!!!

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “What’ll you have?”The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please. So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.” The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine—-I just quit drinking.”

a well-built man with good
reputations and makes good pig
abbs and can give great se-
condes to talk with me and watch the movie xx-
x without getting to carried away

Feel free to apply, but please only read lines 1, 3, and 5.

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn’t move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.
The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“No, it’s not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.

“When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.

“I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison …”

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey, Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”

The panda yells back at the bartender, “Hey man, I’m a Panda! Look it up!”

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

A guy walks into a bar.He bets the bartender $150 that he could toss a half-dollar coin into a shot glass all the way on the other side of ther bar.The bartender takes the bet.

The guy tosses the coin and he misses.So he pays the bartender $150.

The same guy comes back the next day and he said to the bartender that that half-dollar coin was to big to fit in the shot glass.So the bartender said try it with a quarter.The bet is on $150 if he can toss the quater in the shott glass all the way on the other side of the room.He tosses the coin and he misses.So he pays the bartender.

So he starts to drink and drink and drink till he is WASTED!So he bets the bartender $300 double or nothing that he could PISS in the shot glass across the room.So he wipps out his penis and just starts pissing everywhere on the walls on the floor and even on the bartender.

So the bartender is on the ground laughing his nutts off and he says to the guy you are the biggest fool I have ever seen.The guy says NO YOU are the biggest fool I have ever seen I just bet this dude outside $100,000 that I could PISS all over your bar.