D…. Bag

A drunk man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While he waits for the bartender to mix his cocktail, he notices a woman alone at the end of the bar. When his drink comes, he says, “Hey b-b-b-artender. Give that douche bag at the end of the bar a drink for me.”
The bartender tells the drunk to keep his voice down, but the drunk is belligerent. “Give that douche bag at a drink, dammit!” he shouts.

The bartender becomes angry. “Sir, I will not permit you to sit here and call the lady names.”

The drunk persists. “For the last time, bartender, bring me my drink and give that douche bag down there a drink, too!”

Attempting to quell the growing disturbance, the bartender approaches the woman and apologizes for the behavior of the drunk. “The gentleman insists upon buying you a drink, ma’am. What can I get for you?”

The woman replies, “Oh,… I’ll have a vinegar and water, please!”

Signs you have a hangover

You’re convinced that chirping birds are Satan’s pets.

Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to
“stay still�.

Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a
glass of fresh paint.

You’d rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.

You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.

You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible
praying in a fetal position.

The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, “Step right up, and
give it whirl!”

All day long your motto is, “Never again�.

You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.

Your natural response to “Good morning�, is “Shut up!”

Frog and rat in bar

A guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender he has no money, but in exchange for a beer he’ll show him a trick he’ll never forget. The bartender shakes his head but goes ahead and gives the man a beer. The guy takes a rat out of one pocket and a frog out of another. The rat scurries over to the bar’s piano and plays a tune. The frog belts out the song in perfect harmony with the rat’s piano playing. A few minutes later another man walks over and offers the customer $100 for the frog. He instantly accepts, and gives the other man the frog. “Are you nuts?” the bartender asks. “That frog could be worth a fortune to you.” “Don’t be so sure,” the customer says. “The rat’s a ventriloquist.”

Two old drunks

Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar. The first one says, “Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I’m gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.” “So”, says the second drunk, “What’s yer point?” “Well”, says the first, “I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!”

What You Got?

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him
and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”
The man says, “Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make ‘me doubles.”
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then
the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were
served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing’ all this
drinking.
“You’d drink ‘me this fast too if you had what I have.”
The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”
The man quickly replies, “I only have a dollar�.

Gay bar

This man walks into a Gay Bar not knowing it’s a gay bar and sits down at a table some gay guy walks up to him and says “Wanna play football”

The man says okay and thay go behind the bar the gay guy says “alright a burp is a touch down and a fart is a field goal.

So the man says I’m goin’ for the feild goal and the gay guy gets a small grin on his face, the man bends over and is about to fart and the gay guy butt f***s him the man goes what the hell why you do that.

The gay guy says I was trying to block your field goal.

A very depressed man

There’s a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.””No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

Levitating Beer

These two strangers are having a drink at a bar. The one orders a beer and drinks it down rightaway and then sighs with pleasure. He immedietly walks over to the window jumps out and floats to the ground. A minute later he walks back in and sits down next to the stranger. The stranger can’t believe what he just saw and asks for an explanation. The other man explains that when ever he drinks this certain kind of beer it makes him feel so good he feels like floating. The stranger has heard enough and orders the same beer and drinks it right down goes over to the window and jumps out, splatt!!! The bartender looks over at the guy left at the bar and says, “Superman sometimes you’re such an ass”.

Death in the Family

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?””My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.””Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.”Then in July,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $50,000.””Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.””And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.””Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.””Then this month,” continued, the friend, “nothing!”