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Two Lawyers are arguing in court one day, and finally, the judge
calls for order. Attorney Smith speaks up and says, “Your honor,
I objected because it’s obvious that attourney Jones has never
even heard of the Bill of Rights.”
“Oh yeah, Smith? It just so happens I know The Bill of Rights by
heart, word for word!”
“OK then, tell me the first few words, if your so smart.”,
replied Smith
“I pledge allegiance to the flag of the—“
“Damn you! I didn’t think you’d know it.
Hi Erma,This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it, from DNA that I had just sitting around in my craft room.By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I’m serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I’ll let you in on a little secret: I didn’t have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get at almost any Hungarian craft store.Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I’m wearing for breakfast. I’ll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I’ll be making. Hope my breakfast guests don’t stay too long, I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It’s a good thing.Love, Martha StewartP.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.Response from Erma Bombeck:Dear Martha, I’m writing this on the back of an old shopping list, pay no attention to the coffee and jelly stains. I’m 20 minutes late getting my daughter up for school, packing a lunch with one hand, on the phone with the dog pound, seems old Ruff needs bailing out again. Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was trying to make those cute curly fries, how DO they do that? Still can’t find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes, tried using an old disposable razor … trashed the tablecloth. Tried that cranberry thing, frozen cranberries mushed up after I defrosted them in the microwave. Oh, and don’t use Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that Rice Krispie snowball recipe, unless you happen to like a disgusting shade that resembles puke! The smoke alarm is going off, talk to ya later. Love, Erma
There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, “This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!”The farmer looked puzzled and replied, “What’s time to a pig?”
Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungee Jumping tower in Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody was buying tickets. Zeke said to Zeb, �Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea.� After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back. As he came back up Zeke noticed that Zeb’s clothes were torn and wondered what that was all about. Zeb went down again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding. Zeke thought, �Wow, what�s going on here.� Zeb went down a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body. Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, �Zeb, what happened?� Zeb groaned, �I don�t know, but what�s a pinata?
Q. How do you know when Asians have moved into the neighborhood?
A. Mexicans start getting car insurance.
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John receives a phone call.
“Hello,” he answers.
The voice on the other end says, “This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago.”
John: “Hmm… Susan? About 3 months ago?”
Susan: “Yes, it was at Bill’s house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport.”
John: “Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?”
Susan: “I’m pregnant and I’m going to kill myself.”
John: “Say, you ARE a good sport.”
Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Calamjo
The government’s system administration team, working with computer manufacturers and experts in the computer industry, has found a lower cost alternative to address the Y2K (Year 2000) issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999. In exchange for taking every computer, an Etch-A-Sketch will be issued to all Americans. There are many reasons for doing this:1. No Y2K problems.2. No technical glitches keeping working from being done.3. No more wasted time reading and writing E-Mails.Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny lines all over the screen. What do I do?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I create a new document?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch ?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch ?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch Document ?A: Don’t shake it.
Q.
Why do men like BMWs?
A. They can spell it.
Two Nuts Where Walking Down The Street. One Was A Salted!
“Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.”
– Gloria Steinem
41. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to “sit back and groove”. 42. Announce that last year’s students have almost finished their class projects. 43. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements. 44. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you “Snuggles”. 45. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you’ve named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don’t use it. 46. Address students as “worm”. 47. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat. 48. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals. 49. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute “commercial breaks” every ten minutes. 50. Of course, the most fun thing to do on the first day of class is to enjoy yourself, sleep in, and let the students wonder if they found the right room!