Knock KnockWho’s there?Wilma!Wilma who?Wilma lunch be ready soon?
Author: admin
Dentist office
The Lambert’s were shown into the dentist’s office, where Mr. Lambert made it
clear he was in a big hurry. “No fancy stuff, Doctor,” he ordered. “No gas or
needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.”
“I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you,” said the dentist
admiringly. “Now, which tooth is it?”
Mr. Lambert turned to his wife Jenny: “Show him your tooth, Honey.”
Nothing
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things even a pig won’t do.
Help stories from Tech Support
Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is. AST technical support had a called complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
Religious Passion
The chuior leader was so infatuated with the her pastor that one day she chased him around the church and grabbed him by the organ.
A Cynics Guide to Life:
A Cynics Guide to Life:
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and…
Follow your dream! Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses… and sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone.
That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the “whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the- fridge-is” group.
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
ust remember… You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor’s car!
When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers… and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That’s the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel…it’s cheaper than plastic surgery.
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
Love is like a roller coaster: when it’s good you don’t want to get off, and when it isn’t… you can’t wait to throw up.
Corpsalicious!
One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, ”There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don’t fear anything.” After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same. After hesitating, they all did it. ”Next,” the professor said, ”you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.”
Ten Dollahs
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine.
Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy
said, “Ya know Mahtha, I’d like ta get a ride in that theah
aihplane.”
And every year Martha would say, “I know Stumpy, but that
aihplane ride costs ten dollahs…. And ten dollahs is ten
dollahs.”
So Stumpy says, “By Jeebers Mahtha, I’m 71 yeahs old. If I don’t
go this time I may nevah go.” Martha replies “Stumpy, that there
aihplane ride is ten dollahs…and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”
So the pilot overhears them and says, “Folks, I’ll make you a
deal, I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet
for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you,
but just one word and it’s ten dollars.”
They agree and up they go…. The pilot does all kinds of twists
and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it
one more time; still nothing…. So he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, “By golly, I
did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but
you didn’t.” And Stumpy replies “Well, I was gonna say something
when Mahtha fell out…but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!”
Yo momma is fat
ur momma is so fat when she wore a black swim suit in the ocean the oil men thought it was a oil spill
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?A: They both have Bills that are losers.
In the family
For three years, the young MP had been taking his vacations at the same country inn.
The last time he’d finally managed to score with the landlord’s daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
“Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried.
“I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”
“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a politician.”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by dolly04
Things you hate during a surgery
-“Wait, we were supposed to REMOVE the implants?”
– “This guy used to beat me up in junior high! I’ll show him.”
– “Crud, I dropped my contact in there.”
– “Nurse, what does this button do? It does, uh oh.”
– “Don’t worry; it probably won’t happen to this one too.”
– “Let�s cut this, just for fun.”