IBM: Infernal Bloody Monopoly
Author: admin
Yo mamma so fat
Yo mamma so fat she walked across the T.V and I missed three commercials.
Murphy’s Third Law of Computing…
- Murphy’s Third Law of Computing
- The first place to look for information is in the section of the
manual where you least expect to find it.
Degrees Fahrenheit
60 California residents put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 Miami residents turn on the heat
45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
40 You can see your breath
California residents shiver uncontrollably
Minnesota residents go swimming
35 Italian cars don’t start
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
25 Ohio water freezes
California residents weep pitiably
Minnesota residents eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 French cars don’t start
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 American cars don’t start
0 Alaska residents put on T-shirts
-10 German cars don’t start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansas residents stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesota residents shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don’t start
-25 Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 You plan a two-week hot bath
Swedish cars don’t start
-40 California residents disappear
Minnesota residents button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 Congressional hot air freezes
Alaska residents close the bathroom window
-80 Hell freezes over
Polar bears move South
Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game
AND AT:
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets….
A test of morals
This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one.
Please don’t answer it without giving it some serious thought.
By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and consider each line this is important for the test to work accurately.
You’re in Florida, USA…In Miami, to be exact… There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods.
There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
You’re trying to shoot very impressive photos.
There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water.
Nature is showing all its destroying power and is ripping everything away with it.
Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud.
You move closer.
Somehow the man looks familiar.
Suddenly you know who it is, it’s George W. Bush!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever.
You have two options.
You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life.
So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world’s most powerful men.
And here’s the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select color film, or would you rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?
Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by Curtis
6″
What’s six inches long that women love?
Folding money.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
There are 3 guys and
There are 3 guys and they all work in a store. One day a robber comes into the store with a gun ready to shoot. The guys are like please please don’t shoot me! So the robber says ”only on 1 condition you have to bring a fruit tomorrow and stick it up your butt.So the next day the first guy comes with an apple and sticks it up his butt but he was shot any way. The second guy came with an orange and sticks it up his butt but he was shot anyway. So the 2 guys are up in heaven and the first guy starts laughing. ”Whats so funny, were dead!” says the second guy. ”Its not that!” says the first guy. ”Then what is it?”
” I just seen the third guy with a watermellon!” says the first guy.
Red truck
An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire.
He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted,
“Hurry over here,muh house is on fahr!”
“OK,” replied the fireman, “how do we get there?”
“Shucks, don’t you fellers still have those big red trucks?”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Hold on to the root.
The Tao doesn’t take sides;
It gives birth to both wins and losses.
The Guru doesn’t take sides;
She welcomes both hackers and users.
The Tao is like a stack:
The data changes but not the structure.
The more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
The more you talk of it, the less you understand.
Hold on to the root.
What a Chicken Gives
The Teacher asked, “All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?”Mary answered, “A chicken gives eggs!”The Teacher then asked, “Now who can tell me what a goat gives?”And Paul answered, “A goat gives goat milk!” And finally the Teacher asked, “Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?”And Little Johnny replied, “Fucking homework and tests!”
Fridays in Hell
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil…Satan: Why so glum?Guy: What do you think? I’m in hell!Satan: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?Guy: Sure, I love to drink.Satan: Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca… we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don’t worry about getting a hangover, because you’re dead anyway.Guy: Gee, that sounds great!Satan: You a smoker?Guy: You better believe it!Satan: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungsout. If you get cancer – no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?Guy: Wow… that’s awesome!Satan: I bet you like to gamble.Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt you’re dead anyhow.Satan: What about Drugs?!?Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean…Satan: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you’re dead, who cares.Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!Satan: You gay?Guy: No…Satan: Ooooh (grimaces). You’re gonna hate Fridays.
Better traction.
Q. Why don’t witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
A. Better traction.