How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him
down off the keg.
Author: admin
What’s the difference…
Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train??
A: A teacher says “spit out that gum” and a train says “choo choo choo!”
Brown
What is brown and sticky?
Answer: a stick
Shouting during sex.
Two friends in a Bar:
JACK: Joe, at what moment does your wife shout loudest during sex?
JOE: Er…, when I clean myself off with the curtains.
Knock Knock 140
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Omar!
Omar live who?
Omar goodness gracious, wrong door!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Omega!
Omega who?
Omega best man win!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Omelet!
Omelet who?
Omelet’in you kiss me!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ooze!
Ooze who?
Ooze in charge round here!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Opera!
Opera who?
Opera-tunity, and you thought opportunity only knocked once!
Microsoft Husbands
Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?
Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.
The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.
And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying “Don’t worry, it’ll be up any minute now….”
Star Trek with Dilbert Management
Saint Diana of Wales offers this vision of what the 24th century would be like under today’s management techniques.
- After the crew is told they are now Empowered, Dr. Crusher begins doing medical experiments on unsuspecting enlisted personnel while Worf slaughters everyone he considers “weak”.
- Data fails an ISO9000 audit because the construction of his positronic brain isn’t properly documented. He curses Dr. Suhn’s record keeping as he’s stripped for parts.
- All members of the ship’s maintenance crew are required to be involved in Quality Circles. The loss of productive work time causes them to cut back on scheduled repairs, resulting in a warp core breach that kills everyone.
- Commander Riker is fired after a round of “right sizing”. Star Fleet decided that it didn’t really need someone to seduce alien females and smirk a lot.
- As part of the new Dignity Enhancement program, Piccard is forced to allow Troi to wear uniforms that cover her breasts.
- Star Fleet decides to adopt the Borg “Team Building” methods and requires all newborn babies to be implanted with computer interface devices. As a bonus this cuts down on carpal tunnel disability claims.
- The Enterprise finds that it can no longer communicate with Star Fleet Command because they’re still running an old version of Windows and can’t get budget approval for the upgrade.
- As part of a cycle time reduction plan, the crew is ordered to cut the time necessary to encounter and escape from new life forms from once a week to 5 days a week. A re-use program is introduced under the nickname RERUNS (Reap Earnings and Royalties Using No-longer-produced Shows).
- Piccard is ordered to go to diversity sensitivity training after system logs indicate that he has repeatedly disparaged the Ferengis, the Q and the Romulans.
- A ship-wide reorganization results in Worf becoming the ship’s counsellor, Dr. Crusher taking over the engine room, Deanna managing weapons, Data running sick bay and Geordi at the helm. They were conquered by a Klingon freighter 15 minutes later.
- The crew mutinies when they are given their annual performance reviews and find that, despite saving the universe numerous times, they’re still only getting 3% raises.
There were two kids
There were two kids (both african american) it was halloween night and the two kids the brother and the sister wanted to go out trick or treatting but to do so they had to put on a costume first they dressed up as batman and robbin so they went next door dressed up and their neighbor says so who are you two supposed to be and they reply” batman and robin” she says batman and robin are not black so they go home and dress as raggady Ann and Raggady Andy they do the same they go next door and knock the woman asks the same question and they reply Raggady Ann and Raggady Andy and the woman says but Raggady Ann and Raggady Andy are not black so they go home and they change once more but being frustrated by all the remarks the girl says oh I have an idea take off all your clothes so they do and go next door and knock they woman asttonished opens the door and says oh my! and now what do you say you are ? the kids reply two hershey bars, one with nuts and one without!
The only thing that separates
The only thing that separates us from the animals
is mindless superstition and pointless rituals.
Nuts!
One day two seasoned hunters took a rookie to go on a hunting
trip. After they got to the hunting site, the two pros took the
rookie to a tree and told him, “Stay here. Don’t move, and no
matter what, don’t make any sound. Wait for the deer to get
close enough so you can shoot the deer. But under no
circumstances should you make a sound!” With that, they left to
find their own spots to stake out.
Five minutes later they heard an ear piercing scream coming from
where the rookie was. The pros rush over and asked, “What
happened?! We told you NOT to make any sound!” He replied, “I
know. I tried not to! I didn’t scream when the bear was in my
face. I didn’t scream when the snake wrapped around my legs. But
I can’t help it when the two chimpmunks went up my legs under my
pants and asked each other, ‘Should we eat them now or bring
them home for latar?'”
If we don’t
“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
– George W. Bush
Kids’ Quotes
How Does a Person Decide Who to Marry?
“You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one.”
Kally, age 9
“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.”
Allan, age 10
“No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you’re stuck with.”
Kirsten, age 10
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
“Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!”
Cam, age 10
“No age is good to get married at…. You got to be a fool to get married!”
Freddie, age 6
How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are Married?
“Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.”
Eddie, age 6
“You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.”
Derrick, age 8
What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?
“Both don’t want no more kids.”
Lori, age 8
What Do Most People Do on a Date?
“Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have somethingto say if you listen long enough.”
Lynnette, age 8
“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.”
Martin, age 10
What the Children Would Do on a First Date That Was Turning Sour
“I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.”
Craig, age 9
When is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
“When they’re rich!”
Pam, age 7
“The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.”
Curt, age 7
“The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them…. It’s the right thing to do.”
Howard, age 8
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
“I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing … I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out!”
Theodore, age 8
“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!”
Anita, age 9
“Single is better … for the simple reason that I wouldn’t want to change no diapers… Of course, if I did get married, I’d figure something out. I’d just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing.”
Kirsten, age 10
What Advice Do You Have for a Young Couple About to Be Married?
“The first thing I’d say to them is: ‘Listen up, youngins … I got something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get married, anyway?'”
Craig, age 9
What Promises Do a Man and a Woman Make When They Get Married?
“A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together.”
Marlon, age 10
How to Make a Marriage Work
“Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!”
Ricky, age 7
“If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes…. Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few
diamonds on it.”
Lori, age 8
Getting Married for a Second Time
“Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to find a live one.”
Angie L., age 10
How Would the World Be Different if People Didn’t Get Married?
“There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?”
Kelvin, age 8
“You can be sure of one thing – the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now!”
Roberta, age 7