A salsman receved a call from his boss informing him he had an appontment with a competitor 150 miles away, and he only had two and a half hours to get there, and that he would be there for three days. his wife was always complaning that he never took her with him, so he calld and told her to pack a bag and be ready he would be there in ten minutes to pick her up he had no time to wast so to meet him at the curb,he stopped she jumped in off thay went, therty minutes down the road she told him she had to stop some where that she had diarrhea and had to stop, but I cant stop I cant be late, so thay rode a while longer once agan she said I have to go now” so he told her to roll down the window and to stick her butt out the window he could not stop for eaney thing after a minute or two she dropet her paints and stuck her butt out the window just as she let go there was two hitch hickers beside the road SPLAT” first hitch hicker wiping his face off, said wow what awful smelling tobaco, second hitch hicker wiping his face said ya” and did you see the Jaws” on that Berded Basterd when He spit?
Author: admin
Two holy Hindu men
One day two Hindu holy men went down to the river to pray to
their god. One of the men was modest and one of them was greedy.
Upon arriving at the river, the modest man prayed
“Oh great god, I wish to have one of my eyes removed for all
the sins I have committed.”
Then the greedy man approached the river, and thought that the
modest one had asked for something special. So to get the better
of the modest one, he said,
“God, could I have twice whatever he’s having.”
Bigger in america
An American arrived in London, employed a guide, walked and got acquainted with the architecture. Soon he became bored with it: “Listen, my friend, why d`you have here everything small-sized? This building, for example, in America it would be in ten times bigger and higher…” “Sure, sir. It is a lunatic asylium.”
Why is giving a Blow Job a win/lose sitiuation?…
Why is giving a Blow Job a win/lose sitiuation?
He may have you at his knees, but you have him by the balls.
Kitty litter
If you throw a cat out of a car window is that considered “kitty litter”?
Submitted by Curtis
I think I know tou
Ma and Pa are driving down the interstate and they get pulled over by a trooper. He walkes to the door and says “I pulled you over for driving to slow” Ma says WHAT DID HE SAY PA? He said were driving to slow ma. Let me see your liscence sir. What did he say pa? Ma he wants to see my drivers liscence! Pa gave it to him and the trooper says “hell I had a girlfriend from the same town your from, Worst head job I ever had” What did he say pa? Ma he says he THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!!!!
Agnostic Insomniac Dyslexic
What does an agnostic, insomniac, dyslexic do? Stay up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Back Seat Driver
A driver is stopped by a police officer.
The driver asks, “What’s the problem officer?”
Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”
Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry. You were going 80.” (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.”
Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”
Wife: “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.” (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt.”
Man: “Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”
Wife: “Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt.”
The man turns to his wife and yells, “SHUT YOUR MOUTH!”
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”
The wife says, “No, only when he’s drunk.”
Which Secretary To Hire?
An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill one vacancy. “Well,” thought the manager, “I’ll give them an honesty test to determine which secretary to keep.”
To this end, he gave each secretary a money bag to take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (In fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.)
The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50 and returns the extra $50 to the manager.
The second secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks the full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as proof.
The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50, goes to the local TAB and uses the $50 to win $300, then returns, explains to the manager and gives him the all the money.
Question: Which secretary does the manager select to retain?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
Answer: Well, DUH!…The one with the biggest breasts!
Dumb drunk
A guy walks into a bar and he orders a whiskey. He sits down and just before
he takes a sip of his whiskey a guy runs in and says, �Bill! Your house burnt
down!�
So he runs outside but then he thinks, �I don’t have a house.� So he goes back
into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey.
Another guy runs in and says, �Bill! Your dad died!�
And so he runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways but
then thinks, �I don’t have a dad�.
So he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey when another
guy runs in and says, �Bill! You won the lottery!�
So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank but then
thinks, �My name’s not Bill.�
Operation Vowel Drop
CLINTON DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA
Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients
Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.
“For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world,” Clinton said. “Today, the United States must finally stand up and say `Enough.’ It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour.”
The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Movement by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of “E’s,” will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities. Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels.
“My God, I do not think we can last another day,” Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. “I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one `E.’ Please.” Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: “With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream.”
The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L’s, S’s and T’s.
RAISIN: Grape
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.