There once was a man who was traveling to FLORDIA AND HE STOPED AT A GAS SATATION TO USE THE BATHROOM. SO HE WENT TO USE THE BATHROOM AND HE HAD TO DUKIE AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE RELAIZED THAT THERE WAS NO TISSUE AND THEN HE READ THIS SIGN SAYING: THERE IS NO TISSUE HERE SO TAKE YOUR TWO FINGERS AND WIPE YOUR BUTT WITH THEM AND STICK THEM THROUGH THIS HOLE AND YOUR FINGERS WILL BE LICKED BY HUMAN HANDS.SO THE MAN SAY I AM NOT DOING THAT SO HE SAT THERE FOR 2 HOURS AND UNTIL HE FINALLY DID. AND BEHIND THE WALL WAS A MAN WITH TWO BRICKS AND THE MAN SMASHED HIS FINGERS WITH THE TWO BRICKS AND THEN THE MAN JUMPED AND PUT HIS FINGERS IN HIS MOUTH AND STARTED SCREAMING.
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Golf Caddy Replies
# 10
Golfer “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy “Think you can keep your head down that long?”
# 9
Golfer “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”
# 8
Golfer “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”
# 7
Golfer “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Caddy “Eventually.”
# 6
Golfer “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a
coincidence.”
# 5
Golfer “Please stop checking your watch all the time.
It’s too much of a distraction.”
Caddy “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”
# 4
Golfer “How do you like my game?”
Caddy “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”
# 3
Golfer “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?”
Caddy “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”
# 2
Golfer “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddy “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”
# 1 Best Caddy Comment
Golfer “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddy “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”
A quote on marriage
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Modem Times – Maxims for the Internet Age
1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C: is the root of all directories.
8. Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don’t byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There’s no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.
Are you from Wisconsin?
Are you from Wisconsin?
1. You’ve never met any celebrities.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a
tractor on the highway.
3. “Vacation” means going to Kenosha.
4. You’ve seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were
popular.
5. You measure distance in minutes.
6. You know several people who have hit a deer.
7. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
8. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
9. You’ve ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
10. You’ve had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
11. You think ethanol makes your truck “run a lot better.”
12. You know what’s knee-high by the Fourth of July.
13. Stores don’t have bags; they have sacks.
14. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
15. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with
no one in it no matter what time of the year.
16. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition.
Example:”Where’s my coat at?” or “If you go to town I wanna
go with”
7. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
vegetable, grain, or animal.
18. You install security lights on your house and garage and
leave both unlocked.
19. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer,
and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
20. You carry jumper cables in your car.
21. You know what “cow tipping” and “snipe hunting” is.
22. You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
23. You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a
snowsuit.
24. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are
filled with snow.
25. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
26. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
27. The local paper covers national and international headlines
on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
28. You think that deer season is a national holiday.
29. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
30. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Hotter than
Hell,and Road Construction.
31. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of
1000 of more.
32. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your
friends from Wisconsin.
The Contest with GOD!
There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn’t need him anymore.
One of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed.
The scientist says to God – “God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and I’ve come to tell you that we really don’t need you anymore. I mean, we’ve been coming up with great theories and ideas, we’ve cloned sheep, and we’re on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really don’t need you.”
God nods understandingly and says. “I see. Well, no hard feelings.
But before you go let’s have a contest. What do you think?”
The scientist says, “Sure. What kind of contest?”
God: “A man-making contest.”
The scientist: “Sure! No problem”.
The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says, “Okay, I’m ready!”
God replies, “No, no, no… You go get your own dirt.”
Priceless
Yet another pic of my drunk ass ex-husband passed out as usual.
Notice how he doesn’t even wake up when the dog walks on him.
The devil’s offer
The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you, ” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, and their children’s souls rot in hell for eternity.”The lawyer thought for a moment. “What’s the catch?” he asked.
You might be a redneck if… hot tub
You made a homemade hot tub with a trolling motor.
Shotgun
Yo mama is like a shotgun, one cock and she blows.
Irish RAF
The Irish RAF stormed the RSPCA. They went to kill the five
Afgans held there.
Sam Returns Home From War
Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn’t seen in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, “Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he’s got a purple heart on!”
His mother replied, “I don’t give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Joneses’ for a couple hours.”